Monthly Archives: June 2011

what i signed up for

Title: Mother 


Pay: 
0-5 years experience: Zip 
5-10 years experience:  Zilch
10+ years experience: Nada


Shift:  Sunday – Saturday 12am-11:59pm


Benefits: 
Vacation-no
Health insurance-no
Time off/holidays-no
Retirement/401K-no
Hugs and kisses-yes
Love and laughter-yes


Job duties:
1. change diapers repeatedly throughout the day (may be in excess of 15 diapers per day during high demand; must provide diapers)
2. soothe crying infant and toddler at a moment’s notice
3. nurse infant repeatedly throughout the day at a moment’s notice
4. prepare healthy, balanced, and tasty meals and snacks for fickle 15 month old with constantly changing food preferences (this will occur simultaneously with duties 2 and 3 frequently)
5. clean food off of floor after every meal
6. spend countless hours holding infant just because he said so
7. spend countless hours wishing 15 month old would let you hold him 
8. demonstrate patience throughout multiple tantrums
9. feign excitement over reading the same book to toddler for the fortieth time each day
10. never take a break, only occasionally eat lunch, and forget about alone time with your husband
11. have superior record of removing poop, vomit, blood, and food stains from tiny clothing and be able to demonstrate said skills throughout the day (often in conjunction with duties 1-10) 

Desirable attributes:
Upper body strength for successfully holding/carrying 1-2 children at all times
Ability to thrive on 4 hours of sleep (or less in times of high demand)
Organizational skills that lend to flexibility when needed

Minimum Requirements:
Although a college degree might make candidate feel smart, it is not necessary, required, or useful in this position.  Applicant will be improvising and “flying by the seat of your pants” 99% of the time.  Candidate must be familiar with parenting websites and have quick access to the internet via mobile phone or other portable device in order to consult forums regarding various issues that may arise.  Candidate must also have unconditional love for the clients and understand that despite all of the frustrations and lack of monetary compensation, this is the best job in the whole wide world.  Testimonials from current and previous position holders available upon request.



sleep. who needs it.

I should have known that it was just too good to be true when Dexter immediately started sleeping 4-5 hours at a time at night when we came home from the hospital.  He kept it up for about 3 and a half weeks but for the last 10 days or so, he has decided to try an alternate schedule.
That schedule involves waking up at precisely 2am, 4am, and 6am to eat.  And that’s after I’ve gone to bed at 11 or midnight. And sometimes it’s 45 minutes or an hour from the time we wake up until I get back to sleep.  And there’s no back to sleep after the 6am wake up because Theo has decided that 6:20 is precisely the perfect time to start his day. So maybe I’m getting 5 hours of sleep a night, and I guess that’s not too terrible. But … oh. What I would give to get those 5 hours of sleep in an uninterrupted way.
There were about 5 nights that were pure misery.  Not only was he waking up, he was fussy and refusing to go back to sleep. So that means I’m doing a cardio workout of bouncing, swinging, swaying, and patting to try to keep him quiet so he doesn’t wake Theo. Egads. That’s when the tears start falling. (Mine).   Sheer exhaustion, I tell you. Knock on wood, he’s been going right back to sleep the last couple of nights.
Hopefully we’ll get into a good routine in the next several weeks and everyone will be sleeping through the night. 
Good thing he’s so cute during the daytime,
~C~