double digits: holding on, letting go.

My little Dexter is 10 months old today.  With every month that passes, I ask myself how we’ve gotten here so fast.  Double digits means only two months til my littlest little person turns one.  Time to start planning the party!

taking off on my own

I’m holding on to these next two months with everything I’ve got.  I think I’m done having babies.  That makes me sad.  It also makes me breathe a little sigh of relief, but with that sigh, I already know I’m going to miss having a sweet little baby in the house.  It’s kinda become a way of life, after all. 

holding on; not quite ready to let go

I’ve been holding onto hope that I would be able to nurse Dexter for a full year.  For the last four months, my supply has been dwindling and so has my supply of frozen reserves.  Each week, the amount of milk I’m able to express decreases.  It’s getting to the point where it hardly feels worth it.  The constant pumping and calculating ounces is wearing on me.  It’s been stressful the past four months, not knowing if I would make it to the next month.  When I made it to 9 months, I made a goal to breastfeed until he was 10 months and if it was still working, then I’d make a goal of 10 and a half months.  
Last night I looked in the freezer and found that I only have 25 ounces of frozen milk left.  That just means that I only have enough to make it through a couple more days in addition to what I’m able to pump.  We are going to have to start supplementing with formula very soon.  I have a feeling once we start that, the nursing and pumping will end shortly thereafter. 
I’m letting go, but I’m not ready for it to end.  I love nursing and I hate pumping, but I’ve endured the pumping to prolong the nursing.  I’m not ready for my baby to stop being a baby.  I’m not ready to stop holding him in my arms and soothing him to sleep tonight.  Breast or bottle, I don’t have any plans of letting go of that any time soon. 

if you stop breastfeeding me, I’ll eat dirt.
I love this little boy like I never knew I would or could.  When you love your first baby so much, I guess it’s natural to worry that there won’t be enough love to go around.  Not so.  We might be holding on and letting go, but we’re doing it together.  We’re not growing apart, we’re just moving into a new phase.  When Dexter is done nursing, it will be the first time that I haven’t been growing a baby, inside and/or outside of my body, in almost three years.  
I know it is time to let go and move on, but it sure is hard. 
P.S. I have a couple of “Theo’s 2nd birthday” related posts planned, but the lack of free time I’ve had lately is not allowing me to write posts/edit pictures like I want to.  So, I’ll do it when time permits.  He had a heck of a celebration, but on a small scale.  Does that even make sense? More to come on this soon. 

Letters to Theo: Today, you are 2.

Little Theo,
Last night before bed, your daddy and I talked about what a big day today would be for you.  For the last week, we’ve been teaching you to say “I’m two!” when asked your age.  We’ve been trying to teach you to hold up your little peace sign to show everyone how many years old you are.  You try but for some reason, you just can’t get that little thumb to secure your pinky and ring finger.  Cutest thing ever. 

Last night before bed, we sang happy birthday to you.  Towards the end, I felt my voice quavering and my eyes stinging.  I felt that familiar lump in my throat.  It’s the same one that unexpectedly crept up on me at your first birthday party last year as we sung to you. 

Last night before bed, I told you I loved you.  I kissed your head.  I whispered in your ear, “the next time I see you, you’ll be 2.”  You smiled at me and I brushed your long hair out of your eyes, pulled your favorite blanket up to your chin and walked out of your room gently pulling the door closed behind me.

Last night after I put you in bed, I cried.  I sat in silence on the couch and thought about what I was doing exactly 2 years ago.  I was lying in the hospital full of anxiety and anticipation and hopes and dreams  Curiosity and naivity.  Two years ago I didn’t know how much love one heart could hold.  I had only dreamed of seeing your face.  I didn’t yet know that it would be 100 times cuter than I expected.  I didn’t know you’d have a head full of black hair and your daddy’s nose.  I didn’t know that my heart would melt and I would be changed forever.

Last night, when I was on my way to work, I fought back tears.  I asked myself why I felt so sad.  It’s the weirdest thing.  Mommies worry about things they never knew they would worry about.  They get excited over things that never seemed exciting.  They cry at times when they least expect it.  I’m not sad that you’re two, son.  I’m sad that you’re not a baby anymore.  You’ll always be my baby, but you’re not a baby.

Today, you are a little boy.  A curious toddler with a personality as big and bright as the sun. 
Today, you make your mommy and daddy prouder than you did the day before.
Today, you are funnier and smarter and sillier than you were the day before.
Today, you are loved even more than you were the day before.

Today, you are 2.


And this world is yours for the taking.  Make the most of it, sweetheart.


project 365 (feb 22-mar 6)

Project 365, Days 53-66
53/365:  Toes at dinner time.
54/365: Play time.
55/365: You’re a star.
56/365: Ready for fire.
57/365:  My first Project365 Fail.  No picture was taken on 2/26/12.  Sadface.

58/365: Bathtime sillies.

59/365: a treat for mama.
60/365: Assembly required.
61/365: Finished product.
62/365: Fat cat. 
63/365: Blooming.
64/365: Sunday morning breakfast.
65/365: Chicken cordon bleu. 
66/365: It’s a rough life.  (Our babysitter’s precious 12 day old sweetheart!)
Well, I got a little bit behind this time so this post has more pictures than usual.  I’ve been busy busy busy as a bee with these kids, work, throwing baby showers, meeting new babies, and trying some new recipes.  What have you been up to? 
My little Theo will be 2 on Thursday and I have been so busy, I haven’t had time to cry about how big he’s getting.  (Yet).  
My favorites this week?  I love those toes under the table (day 53) and the boys’ new table (day 61). They just love it and it’s so cute to see Theo sitting there, looking at a book, like the big boy that he is.  
I also love the beautiful flowers (day 63) because they make me feel like Spring is just around the corner.  What’s your favorite picture this week? 
You can see ALL of my Project 365 posts by clicking here.