this just feels wrong.

This post will from here on out be called “the one where she whines a lot.”

Something’s not quite right.  I was off work for 11 days.  11 glorious days.  A while back, I talked about how I felt guilty for not wanting to be a stay at home mom.  For liking my job.  For liking the chance to get out of the house and talk to other adults.  For wanting to use my college degree 40 hours a week.  Or 37.5…whatever. I work for the government.  Point is…

I’ve changed my mind.  I take it all back. 

I want to be a stay at home mom.  There.  I said it.

As I was leaving work a week and a half ago, it struck me that I have not had that much time off work (excluding maternity leave) in about three years.  I hadn’t been able to take any vacations because I was always saving up time for maternity leaves.  It was the first time I’ve had a chance to take time off while the babies were sleeping through the night and just … well… generally pleasant to be around 90% of the time.

Finally…I was off work.  And?  The boys were generally pleasant to be around.  Scratch that.  They were a blast.  My 10 year old niece from Tennessee also spent her Spring Break with me so that gave me another person to have conversations with.  We went to the zoo.  We went shopping.  We went to the park.  We went out to eat (a lot). 

Going back to work last night, something just felt off.  Just wrong.  I didn’t want to go back.  I didn’t want to send them to the babysitter this morning.  I kept thinking, it’s not fair.  Someone else shouldn’t get to spend more time with my kids than I do.  Even though I was only off work for a week and a half, it felt like longer.  It felt kind of like going back to work after maternity leave.  I didn’t want to leave my babies.  I want to be with them.  I miss them.  I miss out.  Over the last week and a half, I got to be there for so many cute, every day moments. 

Theo’s vocabulary and ability to express himself has soared in the past couple of weeks.  Now he says stuff like “guess what, mommy?” before telling me about something that’s important to him.  Now he says stuff like “Hello? It’s me,” while he’s playing with his toy phone.  All day Saturday and Sunday he said “Spencer’s coming tonight and he’s going to ride Pop Pop’s tractor with me!”  Oh yeah, and he also says things like “I’m going to sit on the couch and watch doodlebops for a few minutes.”  No lie.  Just one more.  “I’m going to sit at the table and color a little bit.”  I can only imagine how many of those phrases I would have missed if I had been at work all week. 

This week, I’m gonna miss them all.  I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna work and stare at my computer.  I’m gonna stare at their pictures on my desk and hope that the lump in my throat doesn’t interfere with my ability to do my job.  I’m gonna wish I could kiss them first thing in the morning and as I put them down for their naps.  I’m gonna wish I could clean up their lunch messes and toy piles.  I’m gonna wish I could take them for afternoon wagon rides and ice cream treats just because. 

I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna miss it all. 

working sucks.