it was a circus, alright.

I got an email back in July offering advanced ticket sales for the circus, which was in town this past weekend.  As December grew closer, I began looking forward to taking the boys to the circus and watching their faces light up with each act, more fascinating than the one before. 

Saturday morning rolled around and Ryan and I briefly discussed how to tell them about the circus without putting much thought into it. We agreed to simply say that we had a fun surprise for them. Instantly, they were excited. They cooperated through the process of everything that has to be done to just get out of the door and we were on our way by 10am.  During the short drive downtown, Theo asked repeatedly what the surprise was.  “Is it a toy?”  “Is it a Lego?” “Are we going to a store?”  “Are you taking us to the Lego store?”  We answered “no, this is a different kind of surprise – a show.”

When we arrived at the arena, Theo asked what this place was called. I told him and he said “I hate this place.”

Ohhh. Kaaaay.  Cool.

They were of course captivated by all the obnoxious toys and other overpriced sundries around every corner. We found our seats and started right off with some very affordable (no, I’m kidding) cotton candy.  I thought this would cheer Theo up and get him in the mood for the show.  Once the show started, it held their attention for moments at a time.  For the most part though, Theo asked every few minutes if it was over, if it was time to go, or if we could go home yet.

One of very few photos taken at the circ-tastrophe.

Dexter watched more of the show than Theo did. I feel like Dexter watched more of the show than I did. I was either taking someone to the bathroom or trying to manage someone’s embarrassing/ungrateful/obnoxious behaviors.  Total fail.  Complete disappointment.

I wasn’t the only one that felt that way.  In the car, Theo started whining and complaining about every little thing.  It was only a matter of time before he started directing his mood at Dexter.  I take issue with this because it happens all too often and Dexter is undeserving 95% of the time.  Theo was calling Dexter mean names and Dexter was starting to complain and whine too.

I couldn’t even tell you how many times we asked Theo nicely to stop before he flipped our switches and Ryan and I both SNAPPED.  I yelled at him.  Ryan yelled at him.  He was crying and yelling, Dexter was crying and yelling.  Ryan told him not to say another word the rest of the way home (maybe 5 minutes tops) and he continued to scream “I WANNA TALK!!”  By this point every one of us was upset.

We got the boys inside and eventually to bed for their naps.  I leaned against the counter in the kitchen and cried into my hands.  What a failure.  The circus. This day. This parenting.  It’s far from daily, or even weekly, that I freak out and yell at my kids but when I do, I hate myself for it.  I know it happens. I know it’s pretty normal. I also feel disgusted and guilty about it.  How can I expect them to express themselves appropriately when I am screaming at the top of my lungs in an attempt to get my point across?

As they slept, I started thinking.  My Mother-in-Law texted me to ask how they liked it.  I explained that they (mainly Theo) were not as impressed as we’d hoped.  That he must have thought “surprise” meant something else. A toy. A new Lego.  She said my nephew Spencer was the same way around that age and thought he was getting a Thomas the Train car if someone said “surprise.”  At that moment I realized that some simple thought and explanation could have done two things: 1 – Prepared them for what we were getting ready to do and 2 – Prevented this whole, big, dumb, stupid mess.

I read an article maybe 6-8 weeks ago that has stuck with me.  Someone had posted it on Facebook. The title caught my attention and has remained in my mind ever since then. 10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids. Please take a moment and read it if you haven’t already. I can relate to so many of the bullet points that this author shares.

After the circus fiasco, not much time passed before I witnessed a father yelling at his daughter for breaking a glass at our mutual friend’s party.  He didn’t really “flip out,” for lack of a better term, but it was enough to give me that bad, sad feeling in my stomach.  My instant mental reaction was “hey dude, I know that you’re embarrassed that she did that but she’s just a kid, she’s your baby girl – and you sound a little scary right now.”  PAUSE.  Reality punched my face.  Yeah.  If I thought he was a little scary, then what in all hell do my kids think when I unleash my frustration on them in the form of yelling … when no one else is watching?

Holy crap.

I can stop yelling.  I know I can.  I don’t yell at them in public. I want strangers to believe that I’m a loving mom. I don’t yell at them in front of my friends.  I want my friends to believe that I’m a loving mom. The boys sure don’t stop pissing me off in public or in front of my friends, so I’ve figured out some coping skill to refrain from showing my poor parenting choice when I have an audience. I want to be that loving mom when it’s super hard and my only audience is my most important audience – my boys.  I don’t scream at adults when they upset me.  Why do I think it’s okay to let my emotions run rampant on my own flesh and blood – precious, tiny little humans that I chose to willingly and lovingly bring into this world?  Puke…I can’t do it anymore.

All else taken into consideration – yelling doesn’t help.  If the kids are yelling, me joining in only escalates the situation.

I want to stop yelling.  I have to stop yelling.  I will stop yelling. I’m making it my biggest priority in 2014.  I will make it 365 days without screaming at my kids.  Join me?

xo,
~C~

what do you know about stuttering?

Late last week, Ryan mentioned to me that he thought Dexter was stuttering. Over the weekend, I started paying more attention and noticed that he really does start his sentences with a repeated sound…a lot.

I-I-I-I-I-I wanna go home.

We-we-we-we-we-we’re the going to the movies.

Y-y-y-y-you can’t do that.

It’s not every sentence and it’s not all the time.  But he does do it a lot.  He seems to do it when Theo’s talking and he’s also trying to be heard, or when he’s very excited.  But outside of those two scenarios, he still does it at other times as well.

I mentioned it to one of the providers at their sitter today and she said she had noticed it too (and probably thought I was an idiot for not mentioning it/noticing it sooner).  I know I’ve heard him do it before but I can’t pinpoint when it started.  I don’t even know if it’s gotten that much worse recently or if I just didn’t pay attention.  MOTY award coming this way.  Anyway, they watch a lot of kids that are roughly the same age, so I asked her if she thought it was fairly common.  She said no.

So I recalled and looked up an article written by my friend and Speech Language Pathologist, Mindi, and instantly felt more at ease.  Thanks to her, I’ve placed him somewhere between developmental and mild stuttering.  He’s definitely repeating sounds at the beginning of a sentence more than 2-3 times, but I haven’t noticed any facial tightening when this happens.  I’m not even sure he realizes he is doing it.  If we tell him to repeat after us, and say whatever he stuttered slowly, he’s able to say the same thing without the stutter.  I’m very optimistic that this will be a short-term problem (if you’d even call it a problem) and that he’ll soon outgrow it.

No doubt in my mind, this cutie bear’s big brain is working way faster than his little mouth is processing.

Now I’m so curious to know how many people I know who have kids that briefly stuttered around this age as well.  Anyone?

xo,
~C~

blue in the face

That’s how much we’ve talked about this daycare situation.  Til we’re blue in the face.

Pretty shortly after our babysitter told us she’s closing, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to go the home babysitter route going forward.  Nothing against her or the experience we’ve had there.  To the contrary, actually.  For one, she has been unbelievably reliable and has exceeded all of our expectations.  She doesn’t turn the t.v. on and sit them in front of it. EVER. She has had a schedule/routine and planned-out days since the boys were both infants and has tailored learning activities to their level ever since. I don’t expect to find any of that with another home babysitter.  And there’s the obvious possibility of another babysitter deciding that this is something she no longer wants to do. I don’t want to risk putting ourselves in this situation again.  We accepted that we were vulnerable to that possibility when we chose a home babysitter, but I think that it had worked out so well up to this point that we never considered her closing a potential problem.

But.  She is doing what she has to do for her family as they move forward to the next stage of life.  So, since the decision has been made for us, it seems like the appropriate time to make the transition to a daycare/pre-school center.  We visited and toured 5 centers on Tuesday.  Two had waiting lists.  One of those two was immediately off the list because… well, it was disgusting.  I don’t know how or why any parent would feel good about dropping their child off there.  It was fine from the outside. Nice-looking brick building and playground in a fenced in area behind the building. The inside was gross, the staff seemed did not seem friendly, professional, or knowledgeable. The director’s office was repulsive.  I wanted to leave as soon as we walked through the front door.  So that was an easy cut.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the one that was probably our first choice was obviously the most expensive.  I don’t want to sound like a big cheap-o because OF COURSE their care, education, safety, and happiness is paramount and worth all the money in the world.  However, we do not possess all the money in the world and if we did, I sure as hell would not be working just to pay for their damn daycare.  Okay, got that out of my system.  So, that place is pretty much off the list.

Down to three.

One is an “educational center.”  It has an official pre-school program, before and after school care, and summer care for children up to age 12.  The kind of place where there is a sense of peace of mind just because it’s regarded in the community as a quality facility. We were not overwhelmed with warm fuzzies for the building or the director.  Upon further consideration, I think we decided the building was fine. The hang-up we had was that the 3yr olds and up basically shared one large open space that was more or less divided by coat racks and bookshelves.  Doesn’t seem like the most conducive environment for 3 year olds.  Aside from that, they have a waiting list.  The problem with the waiting list is that they can’t seem to be able to tell us how long the waiting list IS.  Are we talking weeks, months, or years? That’s all I want to know, so we can decide if this is even a real possibility. We don’t have 6 months to decide.  Obviously if we decide to go there, we will be on a waiting list so we need to figure out care in the interim.

The next viable option is an older facility that I have gotten a few mixed reviews on. A couple of people’s primary concern was that the building is not secure.  In other words, it was the only one out of five daycares that you can just walk right into and stroll through the building. Of course, they ask that you sign in when you get there but I had a friend who went there once and waited. And waited. Then wandered around the building looking for someone.  I’m just kind of picturing this place being ran by hippies. There’s a very different approach here.  It’s on 10+ acres, in the woods, and I think that makes it unique and special on it’s own. They do take some really neat field trips. They have a pool and in the summer, the kids get to swim 40 minutes a day. They do have an official pre-school program during the school year.  But the building.  I don’t know how else to describe it but dilapidated.  I imagine that the place needs some serious repairs.  Another parent took her child there 20 years ago and was not satisfied at all.  Valuable information since the place is family owned and operated and has been this entire time, but a lot can change in 20 years.  I wasn’t super duper encouraged by my limited interactions with the staff/teachers. They have programs for kids up to age 12, so summer care would not be a problem there even after they went to elementary school.

And finally, the third place was kind of a spur of the moment thing that I remembered as we were heading back home after seeing the other four places.  We were warmly greeted as soon as we walked in the door by the assistant director and she happily gave us a tour, was very knowledgeable, and spent a lot of time with us, explaining things and allowing us to observe the classes.  The kids were eating lunch and transitioning to naptime while we were there so we didn’t really observe any “teaching” but the staff were friendly and I liked the assistant director a lot.  Every place we went, I asked “will the boys ever see each other?” Most commonly, the answer was “in passing” or “not really.”  Um? These kids have been attached at the hip since the day Dexter was born. I’m having a hard time with this. I know it’s going to happen when Theo goes to Kindergarten but for Pete’s sake, that’s two years away.  At this last center, the assistant director smiled and nodded and said she understood. That if either of them seemed to be having a rough day, they would pull both of them and let them have some “brother time” to just play or be around each other.  Also, they would play together on the playground at the end of the day.  Negatives?  There’s no pre-school.  And there’s no care after Theo goes off to Kindergarten. So after he finished Kindergarten, we’d have to find some other new place to take both of them. I know it’s three years away and things might be different then, but it’s something we think about and consider.  The teachers are not degreed (licensed, I guess but don’t have college degrees).  I’m not saying someone needs to have a college education to be qualified to watch my kids, but this place was a little more expensive than the educational center that was accredited, etc., with degreed and licensed teachers that use specific curriculum in their classrooms.  I liked their outdoor play area better than any of the other centers, aside from the one on the huge wooded lot.  They don’t do any field trips.  I don’t think field trips are super important to me, I guess there are pros and cons to field trips. I kind of get the creeps thinking about anyone but me or someone very close to me driving my kids around and fastening them in carseats, etc.

Anyway — tough choices. I think we just need to go back and observe, interact, and spend some more time before we decide what to do.  How important is the secure entry?  Warm, fuzzy feeling from the staff?  Official pre-school program?  What are the requirements to call yourself a pre-school or can any facility say they have a pre-school? I have no clue.  We’re pretty lost.  We just keep talking and pushing and pulling and trying to figure out which one of our high priorities is our number one priority.

We will have to figure it out, and figure it out soon.  If not for the boys’ safety, educations, and happiness, then for my own sanity.  I didn’t know one lady could analyze, obsess, stress, or worry about something like this so much in one day.  For 5 days in a row. I need a resolution so I can rest a little bit.  This not knowing is going to drive me mad.

xo,
~C~