back to the real world!

I had a little over two weeks off between jobs but this past Monday, it was back to work.  Truthfully, I didn’t mind.  I was kinda tired of wearing the same three pairs of gym shorts and tank tops, spending my days painting and picking out ceiling fans.  It was a nice change to blow dry my hair, put on make-up, and wear real people clothes when Monday rolled around.

So far?  I LOVE this new place.  Granted, I haven’t even remotely started doing my actual job yet. There will be lots of training and learning before I will feel just a little bit comfortable holding the reins.  But this is a great company, with great benefits. The people are friendly and welcoming and I already feel right at home.  I can’t tell you what a relief all of this is during such a crazy time in my life.  I’ve met some new faces and had the pleasure of seeing some familiar ones from previous work with the agency.  I can’t tell you how happy I am.

It’s weird – when I was working third shift, people were always telling me “I don’t know how you do it.”  I thought, do what? I have to work for a living, this (my former) job allows me to be home with my kids on Fridays and not have to send them to the babysitter five days a week.  Sure, that saved us a little money.  But I didn’t get to see my kids in the morning.  Ryan was getting them ready all by himself.  I wasn’t there at night when they were sick, which made my stomach hurt and my heart ache.  Now, even though they are going to our sitter five days a week, I feel like I see them more, not less.  I definitely get to see Ryan more because I don’t have to leave as soon as the kids go to bed.

I don’t know how I did it either.  I don’t know how my husband did it.  He was home alone with two babies through their first year (and beyond) of not-so-wonderful sleep habits.  You guys? I got a keeper.  We still have a long way to go on the house and some big decisions to make, but things are only gonna get better.

Good stuff.


ready for change?

Well, well, well.  A few things have changed since I last wrote.  Like, oh, you know, we got a new house and I got a new job.

What the what!

Yep, we closed on our house (seen here and here) a couple of weeks ago.  Some issues came up (I’ll talk more about later, maybe) so we weren’t able to start in on our remodeling right away.  Sunday we said to heck with it and decided to move forward.

And I wasn’t looking for a job.  I worked in child welfare for 6 years and had no immediate plans of going anywhere else.  But another social work job in the mental health field found it’s way to me and I couldn’t pass it up.  No more night shift!  I’m going back to living like normal people instead of vampires.  Somebody say woot!  I start in a couple of weeks.  My new employer was kind enough to allow me some time to work on our house.

I have been so preoccupied and busy that I haven’t had much time to write.  Not a lot has changed with the boys, other than growing taller and smarter and older every day.  Theo sounds too old, saying things that he hears grown-ups say, like “last week I was at the store and I saw something and then I went to the car and probably saw everything everywhere…” and on and on and on.  I just love listening to his stories about nothing at all.  Dex is starting to try more and more words when prompted but I don’t feel like he says them independently as much as Theo did at about 15 months.  Hard to remember these things!

SO… back to the HOUSE.  I’m excited about the changes we’ve made so far with Ryan’s dad’s help.  We’ve got lots of bright ideas and it seems like everything is top priority.  Who knows when we’ll ever get it all done.  Here are a couple of before/after photos so far.

Front door:


(more of a “during” than an “after” pic)
Boys’ bathroom (in progress): 
Shower door removed

Cabinet doors removed 
I’m staining the cabinets black. So far, so good!

Ryan’s dad taking out some of the tile.
Ready to take the old tub out and put a new one in.

Obviously the bathroom is where we are spending the most of our energy right now.  Can’t wait to see the finished product and share it with you!  
Finally – our other big project, the kitchen. 
With carpet, appliance shed (corner), and brick backsplash.

Ryan’s dad, getting me started on tearing out the brick.

No brick, no appliance shed!  Looking so much better already.
So there you have it, that’s what we/I have been up to.  What do you think about the changes we’re making so far? 
miss you!

this just feels wrong.

This post will from here on out be called “the one where she whines a lot.”

Something’s not quite right.  I was off work for 11 days.  11 glorious days.  A while back, I talked about how I felt guilty for not wanting to be a stay at home mom.  For liking my job.  For liking the chance to get out of the house and talk to other adults.  For wanting to use my college degree 40 hours a week.  Or 37.5…whatever. I work for the government.  Point is…

I’ve changed my mind.  I take it all back. 

I want to be a stay at home mom.  There.  I said it.

As I was leaving work a week and a half ago, it struck me that I have not had that much time off work (excluding maternity leave) in about three years.  I hadn’t been able to take any vacations because I was always saving up time for maternity leaves.  It was the first time I’ve had a chance to take time off while the babies were sleeping through the night and just … well… generally pleasant to be around 90% of the time.

Finally…I was off work.  And?  The boys were generally pleasant to be around.  Scratch that.  They were a blast.  My 10 year old niece from Tennessee also spent her Spring Break with me so that gave me another person to have conversations with.  We went to the zoo.  We went shopping.  We went to the park.  We went out to eat (a lot). 

Going back to work last night, something just felt off.  Just wrong.  I didn’t want to go back.  I didn’t want to send them to the babysitter this morning.  I kept thinking, it’s not fair.  Someone else shouldn’t get to spend more time with my kids than I do.  Even though I was only off work for a week and a half, it felt like longer.  It felt kind of like going back to work after maternity leave.  I didn’t want to leave my babies.  I want to be with them.  I miss them.  I miss out.  Over the last week and a half, I got to be there for so many cute, every day moments. 

Theo’s vocabulary and ability to express himself has soared in the past couple of weeks.  Now he says stuff like “guess what, mommy?” before telling me about something that’s important to him.  Now he says stuff like “Hello? It’s me,” while he’s playing with his toy phone.  All day Saturday and Sunday he said “Spencer’s coming tonight and he’s going to ride Pop Pop’s tractor with me!”  Oh yeah, and he also says things like “I’m going to sit on the couch and watch doodlebops for a few minutes.”  No lie.  Just one more.  “I’m going to sit at the table and color a little bit.”  I can only imagine how many of those phrases I would have missed if I had been at work all week. 

This week, I’m gonna miss them all.  I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna work and stare at my computer.  I’m gonna stare at their pictures on my desk and hope that the lump in my throat doesn’t interfere with my ability to do my job.  I’m gonna wish I could kiss them first thing in the morning and as I put them down for their naps.  I’m gonna wish I could clean up their lunch messes and toy piles.  I’m gonna wish I could take them for afternoon wagon rides and ice cream treats just because. 

I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna miss it all. 

working sucks.