double digits: holding on, letting go.

My little Dexter is 10 months old today.  With every month that passes, I ask myself how we’ve gotten here so fast.  Double digits means only two months til my littlest little person turns one.  Time to start planning the party!

taking off on my own

I’m holding on to these next two months with everything I’ve got.  I think I’m done having babies.  That makes me sad.  It also makes me breathe a little sigh of relief, but with that sigh, I already know I’m going to miss having a sweet little baby in the house.  It’s kinda become a way of life, after all. 

exploring
holding on; not quite ready to let go

I’ve been holding onto hope that I would be able to nurse Dexter for a full year.  For the last four months, my supply has been dwindling and so has my supply of frozen reserves.  Each week, the amount of milk I’m able to express decreases.  It’s getting to the point where it hardly feels worth it.  The constant pumping and calculating ounces is wearing on me.  It’s been stressful the past four months, not knowing if I would make it to the next month.  When I made it to 9 months, I made a goal to breastfeed until he was 10 months and if it was still working, then I’d make a goal of 10 and a half months.  
Last night I looked in the freezer and found that I only have 25 ounces of frozen milk left.  That just means that I only have enough to make it through a couple more days in addition to what I’m able to pump.  We are going to have to start supplementing with formula very soon.  I have a feeling once we start that, the nursing and pumping will end shortly thereafter. 
I’m letting go, but I’m not ready for it to end.  I love nursing and I hate pumping, but I’ve endured the pumping to prolong the nursing.  I’m not ready for my baby to stop being a baby.  I’m not ready to stop holding him in my arms and soothing him to sleep tonight.  Breast or bottle, I don’t have any plans of letting go of that any time soon. 

if you stop breastfeeding me, I’ll eat dirt.
I love this little boy like I never knew I would or could.  When you love your first baby so much, I guess it’s natural to worry that there won’t be enough love to go around.  Not so.  We might be holding on and letting go, but we’re doing it together.  We’re not growing apart, we’re just moving into a new phase.  When Dexter is done nursing, it will be the first time that I haven’t been growing a baby, inside and/or outside of my body, in almost three years.  
I know it is time to let go and move on, but it sure is hard. 
Love,
~C~
P.S. I have a couple of “Theo’s 2nd birthday” related posts planned, but the lack of free time I’ve had lately is not allowing me to write posts/edit pictures like I want to.  So, I’ll do it when time permits.  He had a heck of a celebration, but on a small scale.  Does that even make sense? More to come on this soon. 


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