and just like that…it was over.

I’ve blogged and blogged about my decreasing milk supply and how sad I was when I realized I wasn’t going to make it to my goal of nursing Dexter for 12 months.

On March 17, Dexter drank his first bottle of formula.  We started with a bottle a day.  By the following Saturday, March 24, he was down to nursing once a day.  That Thursday, March 29, I nursed him for the last time.

And just like that…it was over.

I had a pretty good idea that it was over that day, but I wasn’t positive so maybe it wasn’t as sad as it would have been, had I known for sure.  By Friday, I knew for sure.  I hadn’t nursed in 24 hours and didn’t feel like I needed to or could if I wanted to.

The transition to formula was pretty easy.  We’ve learned that he likes it at a certain temperature or he tosses that bottle like a hot potato.  It feels weird to feed my baby a bottle because I never really had until now.  It makes me ache when he turns onto his side, trying to bury his face in my chest.  I know what he wants and I can’t give it to him.  Soon enough, he’ll forget.

I can’t stop thinking about how my baby days are almost over.


double digits: holding on, letting go.

My little Dexter is 10 months old today.  With every month that passes, I ask myself how we’ve gotten here so fast.  Double digits means only two months til my littlest little person turns one.  Time to start planning the party!

taking off on my own

I’m holding on to these next two months with everything I’ve got.  I think I’m done having babies.  That makes me sad.  It also makes me breathe a little sigh of relief, but with that sigh, I already know I’m going to miss having a sweet little baby in the house.  It’s kinda become a way of life, after all. 

holding on; not quite ready to let go

I’ve been holding onto hope that I would be able to nurse Dexter for a full year.  For the last four months, my supply has been dwindling and so has my supply of frozen reserves.  Each week, the amount of milk I’m able to express decreases.  It’s getting to the point where it hardly feels worth it.  The constant pumping and calculating ounces is wearing on me.  It’s been stressful the past four months, not knowing if I would make it to the next month.  When I made it to 9 months, I made a goal to breastfeed until he was 10 months and if it was still working, then I’d make a goal of 10 and a half months.  
Last night I looked in the freezer and found that I only have 25 ounces of frozen milk left.  That just means that I only have enough to make it through a couple more days in addition to what I’m able to pump.  We are going to have to start supplementing with formula very soon.  I have a feeling once we start that, the nursing and pumping will end shortly thereafter. 
I’m letting go, but I’m not ready for it to end.  I love nursing and I hate pumping, but I’ve endured the pumping to prolong the nursing.  I’m not ready for my baby to stop being a baby.  I’m not ready to stop holding him in my arms and soothing him to sleep tonight.  Breast or bottle, I don’t have any plans of letting go of that any time soon. 

if you stop breastfeeding me, I’ll eat dirt.
I love this little boy like I never knew I would or could.  When you love your first baby so much, I guess it’s natural to worry that there won’t be enough love to go around.  Not so.  We might be holding on and letting go, but we’re doing it together.  We’re not growing apart, we’re just moving into a new phase.  When Dexter is done nursing, it will be the first time that I haven’t been growing a baby, inside and/or outside of my body, in almost three years.  
I know it is time to let go and move on, but it sure is hard. 
P.S. I have a couple of “Theo’s 2nd birthday” related posts planned, but the lack of free time I’ve had lately is not allowing me to write posts/edit pictures like I want to.  So, I’ll do it when time permits.  He had a heck of a celebration, but on a small scale.  Does that even make sense? More to come on this soon. 

are you judging me? or am i?

My husband said to me, “I didn’t like your last post very much.” 

I looked at him in shock.  All along, I had been thinking he was my biggest fan.  “Why not?”

“Because you weren’t very nice to yourself.  I don’t like it when you talk bad about yourself.” 


I know, I know.  It was a harsh letter to my ta-tas.  I was feeling low, what else can I say?  Rhetorical question, guys.  You should know…I can say lots.

Don’t get me wrong… I am grateful that I have been able to pump and nurse Dexter for the past 8 months.  I really, really am.  It is such a frustrating situation for me and I wanted to vent about it.  I just didn’t want to mope and whine about it on here so I thought I’d be a smartie pants and put a mean, sarcastic spin on it.  Well, it was fun to read, anyway, wasn’t it?  I thought so.

The thing is, breastmilk or formula…the kids turn out the same as far as I can tell.  I know more kids that were formula babies than breastmilk babies and I don’t see them getting sick any more than my own kids or other booby babies I know. The whole health thing was my main reason for breastfeeding.  Then, of course, are the savings.  The fact that it’s natural.  It’s bonding time with baby.  Etc, etc, etc, right?

But now it has turned into my stubborness and feelings of guilt if I “give up” or don’t make it to a year.  I don’t know why I am beating myself up about this, but here’s the truth.  I feel like I am failing at motherhood.  I was bound and determined to make it to at least a year.  Every day I pump a little less than the day before.  And every day I go into more of a panicky tailspin about how I’m a worthless mother if I can’t make this work.  Because when it really comes down to it, I do love those quiet moments Dexter and I spend together while he is nursing.  And he’s {more than likely} my last baby, so that kind of puts me into a panic, too.

Do I think mothers that formula feed their babies are worthless? OF COURSE NOT.  I just wanted to say that, in case anyone thought I was insinuating otherwise.  Here’s some honesty – I don’t understand mothers that choose not to breastfeed.  I just can’t wrap my head around why they wouldn’t want that.  Regardless, I realized that it is a choice that some mothers make.  So because I don’t understand, I am probably a little judgy in that department.  But hey, whatever works for you.  What I do understand is mothers that try and can’t do it, for a variety of reasons.  Because it’s hard. Because they don’t make enough milk. Because they have post partum depression or other medical issues.  It happens and I get that.  I wonder if all those other mothers, formula feeding and breastfeeding alike, ever beat themselves up for their decisions and/or circumstances.  Surely I’m not the only one.

We’re all just moms, trying to make the best decisions we can for our kids.  And then others in society and the media and the crunchy mom movement make you feel like crap for doing that very thing. 

~I feel like I will be judged if I don’t make it to a year of breastfeeding.

~I feel like I’m being judged if I breastfeed in public.  Or if I don’t.

~I feel judged for having an unexpected pregnancy that landed me with kids who are only 14 months apart. 

~I feel judged for not being a Stay at Home Mom.  And also because honestly, I don’t really want to.

~I feel judged for not even considering an unmedicated birth.  I never, not for one second, thought about skipping the epidural.

~I feel judged because I don’t fix my hair and put on make up every day.

~I feel judged because my kids are in the 15th – 20th percentile for weight.  Even though the doctor says they are perfectly healthy.

~I feel judged because I’m not planning on throwing Theo and Dexter massive birthday parties every. single. year.

But why do I feel judged?  I don’t judge others for those things. Or do I?  No one I know or communicate with has EVER, in person or on this blog or facebook or anywhere at anytime, said anything to make me feel judged for these things.  I place this judgment on myself because I see what other moms are doing and what other babies are doing.  I feel like maybe I’m not always on par with all the wondermoms out there.  I think that other moms are going to think I’m lazy or ugly or inadequate or and idiot or just a CFM.  Complete. Freaking. Mess.  Why do I let what everyone else is doing feed my insecurities and make me feel small?

Here are some non-rhetorical questions.  I would love it if you responded in a comment.

Has anyone judged you (your parenting) to your face? 

Do you feel ever judged simply because of what other moms are doing (or not doing)? Or by what you see on the internet/in the media?  

How do you keep from letting your insecurities get you down? 

I don’t question that I’m a good mom.  I AM A GOOD MOM.  So why do I let this crap make me feel like I could do so much better sometimes?