2 become 1 when you get married, then baby makes 3. huh?

Does that mean you become one when you get married, then you separate back into 2 when you have a baby? 

My good friend had twins 11 days ago and I can’t get over how tiny they are.  They a little less that 4 weeks early but after 10 days in the NICU, they are home and doing great.  I am dying to hold them, but I’m trying to give the new family some time and space to be just that, a family.  It’s definitely different than being a couple.  We are still trying to figure that out. 

It’s hard to balance being a couple with being a family but I know that the former is just as important to maintain as the latter.  There’s so much guilt associated with being a mommy and it’s hard for me to break away from my precious little baby.  Each hour, day, week, and month that has passed since Theo was born has gone by all too quickly.  I still think of him as my newborn baby, but I know that no one else does.  We don’t get the “oh he’s so tiny, how old is he?” questions anymore.  We get the “he’s a little flirt” and “whatta big boy” comments instead.  The point, friends, is that I don’t want to waste time being away from my baby because time with him is the one thing that we’ll never, ever get back.  Time is such a precious thing.  I never realized how much truth there was in that sentiment until I had my baby boy.

But time with my husband is precious too, and I know that we haven’t made enough time for each other recently.  We live in the same house, stay in touch via text and telephone throughout the day, and spend nearly every moment of every weekend together doing something. Whether it’s “quality” time or not, we are together.  We still hold hands and hug and laugh and enjoy spending time together.  We have never been much on fighting (not since we lived in the same state, anyway), so that’s not really an issue, but we really miss each other.  As much love as Theo has added to our lives, it definitely feels like something got taken away at the same time.

The dynamic changes when you add a baby to the relationship/marriage mix.  It’s stressful at times.  It’s a whole new level of love and responsibility.  It’s easy to focus on the baby and the baby alone because, let’s face it, he demands a ton of attention and energy.  At the end of the day, there’s no time or energy left to invest in anything meaningful.  As much as I love my sweet husband, I guess I’ve had the mindset that he will always be there.  He’s constant and predictable and these fine qualities haven’t once changed in the 11+ years we’ve been together.  But that doesn’t mean that our relationship doesn’t need to be nurtured.  I DO realize this.

So, we have agreed to let his parents keep Theo overnight next Saturday.  Bless them for being willing and able.  It’s the first time it’s been feasible really, what with the whole nursing thing (which is steadily decreasing).  I get a little nervous and anxious when I think about it.  Not because I think his grandparents can’t or won’t take good care of him, but because I worry.  It’s that mommy guilt creeping in.  What if he wakes up in the night and doesn’t know where he is?  Or worse, doesn’t know where his mommy and daddy are?  What if he wants me and I’m not there for him?  He won’t understand that.  Realistically, I know he will be fine, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.  I just have to push the worry out of my mind and not dwell on it. 

I remember dropping him off at the babysitter (who was little more than a stranger to us at the time) on the first day and thinking over and over “but she doesn’t love him.”  Now I don’t give it a second thought, because I know he loves it there and he is in good hands.  I’m sure it will be the same way once Theo has spent the night away from mom and dad a time or two, but these kinds of baby firsts are hard. 

I just can’t figure out if I want him to miss me or not. 


p.s. Oh, and I AM very excited about a night out with my hubby…and sleeping in on a Sunday morning!  Woo hoo!

three oh

Earlier this year, I turned 30.  My entire life, even right up until I turned 30, I thought 30 was old.  There were times when I felt old, but 30 has always meant officially old.  There are things you just can’t (well, shouldn’t) get away with anymore when you are 30.  30 means responsibility.  Retirement savings.  Financial planning.  The occasional bodily ailment.  The more than occasional gray hair.  Minivans and selflessly cleaning up other people’s messes. Needless to say, I had been dreading 30 ever since I realized that I wasn’t going to be young forever.

30 came.  30 went.  We had a great little get-together with some family and close friends.  I waited for reality to set in.  I gave it about 10 minutes’ thought and came to a realization (and breathed a contented sigh of relief).

I took a little inventory of my life at age 30 and guess what?  It’s not so bad.  If we’re all so lucky, we will all turn 30 and 40 and so on, so why get bent out of shape about getting older?  Of course we are going to get older, and really, do we want to be stuck in time?  Life moves on, and so do we.  So I’m happy to be able to reach 30 and have my health.  I gave birth to the most beautiful little baby boy 2 months before my 30th birthday and I could not ask for more than everything he is in a baby.  He has added so much more joy to my life.  I have a husband that I adore, even if we don’t get to spend as much time together as we’d like.  We don’t live paycheck to paycheck.  We share a cute and modest home that we are proud to own (or are in the process of owning) and have improved little by little with our own hands (and the help of a few other hands).  I have graduated from college, which is one of my proudest personal achievements.  I feel loved equally by my family of origin as I do by the family I have married into.  I have the most sincere and wonderful friends I’ve ever had in my life.  None of these things make my life especially remarkable or extraordinary, but they are the little accomplishments that carry me through time from one day to the next, one week to the next, and one year to the next, with a smile on my face and contentment in my soul.

Maybe if my inventory experiment left me feeling empty, I’d take the time to pity myself for turning 30.  But when I step back and take a look at my life, I’m happy.  Sure, there are things I would change here and there, but when push comes to shove, I have everything I need.  Bring on the (occasional) gray hair, the (few and far between) wrinkles, and (extra) candles on the cake because I’m 30.  And I can definitely rock 30.


baby’s 1st commercialized-money-waster of a holiday

BOO! (hoo)

I feel the need to get Theo a Halloween costume, if for no other reason than to dress him up in it for five minutes and take his picture so we’ll have it to look at 10 or 42 years from now.  Obviously he is not going Trick-or-Treating this year, so is there even a point? 

I feel like a bad mom because some of my mommy friends have had their babies’ costumes for weeks and perhaps even (gasp) MONTHS!  I have looked for them at a couple of different stores and I must be a slacker because the costumes are already pretty picked through.  I just can’t find anything that screams “THEO!”

Am I a loser of a parent for not being on top of this a month ago and for not wanting to spend more than $10 or $20 bucks on such junk? 

Sigh.  I’ll let you know what we decide on.