mama’s crazy

*Disclaimer: I wrote this blog post when I was about 8 weeks along and I am VERY happy to say that these dark days have passed (fore the most part, I think) and my mood is much improved! Don’t be scared of me… I’m still blaming it on those out-of-control, first-trimester hormones!

This familiar experience has become a new experience altogether.  I don’t know if it’s because my life has so drastically changed since my first pregnancy, or because the situation is different, or if it has something to do with the hormones, but I’m crazy.  Certifiably crazy.  I say it’s the hormones.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I’ve noticed with this pregnancy that my temper is shorter, I’m more easily annoyed, and I feel grumpier in general.  I remember when I was about this far along with Theo, his papa told me that he’d heard horror stories from men about their pregnant wives due to the hormones and mood swings.  We tossed our heads back and laughed hearty laughs as the wind blew threw our perfectly styled hair and birds chirped around us on a sunny Spring day as we rolled around and kissed in a field of clover. 

I think we have officially left the meadow and have made it to the darkest of the dreary dungeons.  Those birds we heard are actually bats.  And the clover kind of turned in to thistle.  I might have just turned into the woman those horror stories were written about. 

I’m grumpy.  There are times of happiness but in general, my mood has been kind of dour. 

I get annoyed easily and sometimes I feel like ever fiber of every organ inside of me is screaming “go away!” at whatever or whomever is irritating me at the moment. 

There have been a couple of times when Theo would not stop crying when I just had to hand him off to his dad before I screamed something inappropriate. 

There was one time when I had to walk away from Theo’s dad before I screamed something inappropriate at him.  I don’t remember what the argument was about, but even at the time I knew it was ridiculous and I felt that there was nothing I could do to control my emotions. This is just not me.

Obviously I have controlled my emotions and when I say I had to walk away, I don’t mean that I was going to harm anyone if I didn’t.  It’s just that at that moment, my nerves were so frayed that I had to step away and take a breath. 

So, since I didn’t experience any of this with Theo, I’m wondering if this baby could be a girl?  All those extra hormones?

Or is this craziness due to the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned and has got me beyond stressed?  Or because I already have a baby and am sleep-deprived as it is (thank you third shift and baby and pregnancy)?  Because I have little to no down time to recover from the daily stresses that add up over time? 

I. Just. Don’t. Know.  But I know that I don’t like myself very much when I am crazy. 


a crystal ball would be nice

This is my 12 week check-up check-in.  So what, it was 2 weeks ago.  I’m just getting around to it, okay?

First of all, when I had my 6 week check-up back in April of this year (nothing about that sounds right) we talked about the mild shoulder dystocia that happened while I was giving birth to Theo (I talked about it here).  The doctor that delivered Theo said that a lot of things could have been the cause…I could have been borderline too small or he could have been in a funny position or it could have been that I was in a funny position OR it could have been a combination of 2 or all of those.  Anyway, I asked about the necessity of a c-section with my next kid and he said that it wouldn’t necessarily be the case.  He even said that giving birth may have relaxed the pelvis enough that it wouldn’t even be an issue with baby #2.  I was feeling pretty good about that.

And then…

I saw my OB 2 weeks ago and one of the first things she said was that she thinks I have a small birth canal and she would like to “offer” me a c-section for this baby.  Like she’s offering me a dessert at half price or something.  Of course I knew that subsequent babies typically get bigger but I was hoping that it wouldn’t be much of an issue if my pelvis had truly relaxed, Theo and I hadn’t been in optimal positions, etc.  She said if I can avoid getting gestational diabetes this time (which sounds about as likely as not getting wet in a swimming pool), then there’s a better chance for a successful vaginal birth.  Once you make the choice to go vaginal, and the baby’s head is out, there’s no going back.  If he or she gets stuck (i.e., shoulder dystocia), there’s a good chance that he or she won’t survive.  The doctor that delivered Theo said there’s not much that’s scarier for an OB than shoulder dystocia.

I really don’t want a c-section.  I’m comfortable with the vaginal birth (as comfortable as one can be with it).  Although it was scary for those 10 seconds, Theo’s perfect and I’m fine and we all recovered beautifully.  I wish I had a crystal ball and I knew what was going to happen.  The doc said she could do an amnio at 36 or 37 weeks to start checking for lung maturity and as soon as it’s good, she would induce in hopes of getting a smaller baby.  But I’m not real hot on the idea of an amnio either.  She said if I choose to go vaginal AND I get diabetes, she won’t let me go past 38 weeks this time. 

More stuff to stress out about.  Of course I don’t want to put my baby in harm’s way, but I have a feeling that Theo’s shoulder dystocia was a fluke and it probably won’t happen again.  Is that just me being selfish or is that me following my motherly instincts and listening to my body? 

Anyway, the little booger was hiding for the doppler so I had to get another ultrasound (okay, twist my arm!).  We saw that nugget squirming around like crazy in there.  We saw her/him kicking and waving and chomping.  It’s so amazing how in such a short time the baby goes from a little ball of goo to this teensy weensy miniature human.  Just incredible.  He or she was healthy and happy so at this stage, we couldn’t ask for more.  We made it past the scary 12 week threshhold so there’s a good chance that this baby is here to stay.  Now we can let ourselves get attached (or more attached as the case may be).

I’ve gained half a pound.  I had my first 1 hour glucose tolerance test to check for early gestational diabetes.  Got those results back last week and I was holding steady at 77!  That’s a really good thing.  Let’s hope it stays that way.