Does that mean you become one when you get married, then you separate back into 2 when you have a baby? 

My good friend had twins 11 days ago and I can’t get over how tiny they are.  They a little less that 4 weeks early but after 10 days in the NICU, they are home and doing great.  I am dying to hold them, but I’m trying to give the new family some time and space to be just that, a family.  It’s definitely different than being a couple.  We are still trying to figure that out. 

It’s hard to balance being a couple with being a family but I know that the former is just as important to maintain as the latter.  There’s so much guilt associated with being a mommy and it’s hard for me to break away from my precious little baby.  Each hour, day, week, and month that has passed since Theo was born has gone by all too quickly.  I still think of him as my newborn baby, but I know that no one else does.  We don’t get the “oh he’s so tiny, how old is he?” questions anymore.  We get the “he’s a little flirt” and “whatta big boy” comments instead.  The point, friends, is that I don’t want to waste time being away from my baby because time with him is the one thing that we’ll never, ever get back.  Time is such a precious thing.  I never realized how much truth there was in that sentiment until I had my baby boy.

But time with my husband is precious too, and I know that we haven’t made enough time for each other recently.  We live in the same house, stay in touch via text and telephone throughout the day, and spend nearly every moment of every weekend together doing something. Whether it’s “quality” time or not, we are together.  We still hold hands and hug and laugh and enjoy spending time together.  We have never been much on fighting (not since we lived in the same state, anyway), so that’s not really an issue, but we really miss each other.  As much love as Theo has added to our lives, it definitely feels like something got taken away at the same time.

The dynamic changes when you add a baby to the relationship/marriage mix.  It’s stressful at times.  It’s a whole new level of love and responsibility.  It’s easy to focus on the baby and the baby alone because, let’s face it, he demands a ton of attention and energy.  At the end of the day, there’s no time or energy left to invest in anything meaningful.  As much as I love my sweet husband, I guess I’ve had the mindset that he will always be there.  He’s constant and predictable and these fine qualities haven’t once changed in the 11+ years we’ve been together.  But that doesn’t mean that our relationship doesn’t need to be nurtured.  I DO realize this.

So, we have agreed to let his parents keep Theo overnight next Saturday.  Bless them for being willing and able.  It’s the first time it’s been feasible really, what with the whole nursing thing (which is steadily decreasing).  I get a little nervous and anxious when I think about it.  Not because I think his grandparents can’t or won’t take good care of him, but because I worry.  It’s that mommy guilt creeping in.  What if he wakes up in the night and doesn’t know where he is?  Or worse, doesn’t know where his mommy and daddy are?  What if he wants me and I’m not there for him?  He won’t understand that.  Realistically, I know he will be fine, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.  I just have to push the worry out of my mind and not dwell on it. 

I remember dropping him off at the babysitter (who was little more than a stranger to us at the time) on the first day and thinking over and over “but she doesn’t love him.”  Now I don’t give it a second thought, because I know he loves it there and he is in good hands.  I’m sure it will be the same way once Theo has spent the night away from mom and dad a time or two, but these kinds of baby firsts are hard. 

I just can’t figure out if I want him to miss me or not. 

~C~

p.s. Oh, and I AM very excited about a night out with my hubby…and sleeping in on a Sunday morning!  Woo hoo!