Title: Mother
Pay:
0-5 years experience: Zip
5-10 years experience: Zilch
10+ years experience: Nada
Shift: Sunday – Saturday 12am-11:59pm
Benefits:
Vacation-no
Health insurance-no
Time off/holidays-no
Retirement/401K-no
Hugs and kisses-yes
Love and laughter-yes
Job duties:
1. change diapers repeatedly throughout the day (may be in excess of 15 diapers per day during high demand; must provide diapers)
2. soothe crying infant and toddler at a moment’s notice
3. nurse infant repeatedly throughout the day at a moment’s notice
4. prepare healthy, balanced, and tasty meals and snacks for fickle 15 month old with constantly changing food preferences (this will occur simultaneously with duties 2 and 3 frequently)
5. clean food off of floor after every meal
6. spend countless hours holding infant just because he said so
7. spend countless hours wishing 15 month old would let you hold him
8. demonstrate patience throughout multiple tantrums
9. feign excitement over reading the same book to toddler for the fortieth time each day
10. never take a break, only occasionally eat lunch, and forget about alone time with your husband
11. have superior record of removing poop, vomit, blood, and food stains from tiny clothing and be able to demonstrate said skills throughout the day (often in conjunction with duties 1-10)
Minimum Requirements:
Although a college degree might make candidate feel smart, it is not necessary, required, or useful in this position. Applicant will be improvising and “flying by the seat of your pants” 99% of the time. Candidate must be familiar with parenting websites and have quick access to the internet via mobile phone or other portable device in order to consult forums regarding various issues that may arise. Candidate must also have unconditional love for the clients and understand that despite all of the frustrations and lack of monetary compensation, this is the best job in the whole wide world. Testimonials from current and previous position holders available upon request.
