Well, this has been kinda tough so far. By kinda, I mean I’ve cried over this dumb mess more than I ever imagined possible or reasonable. It’s odd and interesting, the things that become important and stressful once you become a parent that you never DREAMED would be such a big deal. It’s been heart-wrenching at times and I have to admit that I’ve probably shed more tears over this than anything since my dad died. Well, I’m skipping over the hormonal crying related to newborn baby sleep deprivation and/or pregnancy. While it doesn’t exactly feel like someone died, the finality has hit me hard that this desirable situation has come to an end and an uncertain future is upon us.
Last Friday was the boys’ last day with their first and beloved lady. They have always spoken so highly of her and have looked forward to going to her home. The Saturday before last, I took them to JoAnn Fabrics and told them they could pick out any gift to make for her. Theo was drawn towards the birdhouses so they both spent some time picking their houses, changing their minds, and changing their minds again until they both picked the perfect gifts. Picking out their paint colors was much easier. Green and red.
They really were not interested in putting clothes back on after painting in the (almost) nude. So they played while their projects dried. I worked on them a little bit each night leading up to their last day. Thursday night we put the boys’ handprints on the bottoms of their birdhouses and I sealed them with clearcoat.
As I was painting them and realizing that this was it, this was really the last night before the last morning that they’d wake up and go to her house, I lost it. There were lots of tears. It’s just hard as a mom, going from something that you take comfort in to something that feels so completely uncomfortable. I’ve grieved for my relationship with this woman, who has become a friend. I’ve grieved for the kids’ relationship with her. For the kids’ relationship with her son. Her husband. They have been so much a part of our family for the last 3 years. The boys have spent so many hours in her arms, home, and in her care. It’s hard to let go. And while I realize that we can and will remain in contact, it will never be the same.
The last pick-up.
There were lots of hugs during that hard good-bye but somehow I kept it together until we closed the door for the last time. I looked behind me as we crossed the yard to the car and Theo had stopped about 20 feet back. He was standing still with his bottom lip sticking out. I said “Theo, come on honey. Let’s go.” He remained still and I asked him what was wrong. He suddenly ran to me and I swooped him up and held him tight. He said “I’m sad” and started to cry. That’s when my tears began to flow as well. We just stood there, hugging and crying in the yard for a couple of minutes. I was crying because he was crying. Because he was smart enough to know that something had changed but I was also crying because I knew he didn’t fully understand. He sucked his thumb and stared out the window on the way home.
Friday night we distracted ourselves with a fun baseball game. The boys were tired by the 5th inning and some nasty looking clouds were heading our way so we left.
Coming up next — the first day(s) at the new sitter.
xo,
~C~
