I’m sad

hey Dexter – stop breaking my heart.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I’ve talked before about how I think, no I’m pretty sure, like there’s a really good chance, that we’re done having babies. 

Having that feeling of semi-certainty (it’s really more certain-feeling than I’m making it sound … I’m just having a hard time with it today), makes days like yesterday even harder. 

2 days before Dexter’s 6 month birthday, he got up on his hands and knees for the first time.  2 days before his 7 month birthday, he figured it out and crawled.  Really, really crawled.  Officially crawled.  One hand and knee together, then the other.  And again, and again, and again.  And there he was.  Crawling. 

In the moment, I cheered and yelled for R to grab the video camera.  I’m not sure if we got any footage of him doing the real deal or not, but we at least filmed him on the day it happened.  Then, something else happened.  The stinker crawled right over to me, where I was sitting on the couch, and grabbed my pajama pant leg and began pulling himself up.  I yelled for R again, “he’s gonna do it! Come here!”  And there he was.  Standing.   

He did that twice and did the real crawls maybe 5 or 6 times. 

Theo was 9 months old before he crawled and about 9 months and 2 days old before he pulled up.  Obviously, I knew it wouldn’t be long til Dex started doing that once he really started crawling.  I just didn’t expect it to be minutes.  With Theo, I had a nervous breakdown when he didn’t meet every milestone right on time with boatloads of enthusiasm.  With Dexter, I’m begging him to slow down.  He’s my last baby (probably) and I want him to stay that way as long as possible. 

Not gonna happen.  I was fine with the crawling and pulling up, we all knew it was coming soon since he’d been practicing and perfecting his moves for the last month.  I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

Dex barely napped all day.  I guess he was too excited about his newfound independence because every time we put him down – swing, bed, in the carseat on the way to Target – he slept, but only for a few minutes.  By 745, I knew he had to be exhausted.  So I nursed him.  I cuddled him on the couch.  He was distracted by the tv, so I took him to his room and rocked him (or tried).  We just put his Christmas tree up in his room and he was mesmerized by the lights (damn LEDs are so bright, aren’t they?)  I held him tight and rocked back and forth, back and forth.  He stared at the lights and tried to wiggle free from my arms.  I rocked harder and held him tighter to no avail.  My head was pounding so after about 10 minutes I said to him, “Dexter, I give up.  You’re stronger than me tonight,” and laid him in his bed.  I patted him a couple of times and walked away, fully expecting him to start fussing.  I turned his monitor on and waited for his cries, my signal to go back in and try again. 

Nothing.

(But silence). 

10 minutes later I poked my head in his door and squatted down to look between the slats in the crib.  No movement.  I crept in, closer and closer, until I could see his eyes.  And there he was.  Sleeping. 

I went back out to the couch to report my findings and a wave of sadness swept over me.  My baby didn’t need me anymore.  I told R that I remember feeling like I won the lottery the first time Theo went to sleep on his own without fussing.  This time it felt more like someone stole the wind from my sails.  I want my baby to stay a baby, but it ain’t happening.  Man.  This whole babies-growing-up-real-fast thing blows.

feeling a little useless,
~C~

dog bite to the head

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

Last Wednesday I woke up early and was lying in bed with my eyes closed, willing myself to go back to sleep.  For ages.  So I finally looked at my phone and it was only 3pm (I usually get up at 4).  I also had a text from my husband saying “Theo was bit by [the babysitter’s dog] today just above the ear.  Broke the skin.  She washed it out with warm water and peroxide.  I called the nurse and the doctor wants to see him at 425.  Said they usually treat it with an antibiotic.  Theo is doing fine.” 

Exsqueeze me?

Good thing I woke up early.  After I managed to get my heart out of my throat, I jumped out of bed and got ready in time to meet them at the doctor’s office (with a few wtf-themed texts in between).  I don’t really know how to describe how I was feeling.  So many thoughts were racing through my mind.  How much did he cry?  How did this happen?  Was he scared?  Will he hate dogs forever?  Where was the babysitter?  Will he have a scar?  More than anything, I was sad.  Sad that he had to experience that.  Sad that I wasn’t there to comfort him.  Sad that the whole dumb thing happened. 

We got to the doctor and of course I scooped him up and hugged him – it was like any other day for my brave boy, he just smiled and acted like nothing was wrong.  Little ones are so resilient.  I had to search through his long hair above his right ear to find the marks, but there they were.  Three puncture wounds.  Really, really, really sad.  Later I found 2 more, so that made me wonder if the dog bit him more than once.  Anyway, the doctor actually came out to the waiting room and wanted to see us before he officially “saw” us.  He looked at the wounds and said that due to the nature of the wound, infection was very unlikely and rabies was virtually impossible.  He didn’t even prescribe an antibiotic.  He said that because the wounds were flat and open, they would heal nicely on their own and we didn’t need to be concerned with scarring due to the location.

The babysitter assured us that the dog couldn’t possibly have rabies.  She apologized over and over and cried into the phone about the whole incident.  I felt bad for her, because I know if I had been in her shoes I would be devastated that this happened while someone else’s kid was in my care.  She said that they had been outside playing and had just come in.  The dog was relaxing on the couch before going back in the crate or garage or bedroom or wherever he usually stays and the babysitter was changing diapers.  Theo went to give him a kiss (as he calls it – he lays his head down on the dog’s side) and the dog snapped.  I don’t know why.  It certainly doesn’t sound like Theo did anything aggressive, but for whatever reason, he snapped.  I hate don’t care for that dog, y’all.

And as much as I hope Theo isn’t afraid of dogs because of this, I am kind of afraid of dogs for him.  If that dog snapped for no reason, why wouldn’t any other dog?   Am I supposed to tell him not to love on my mom’s dog or my friend’s dog because of the possibility of them snapping?  What didn’t sink in until after we left the doctor’s office was how unbelievable lucky we were.  Centimeters and the dog would have taken a chunk of his ear.  An inch and he would have bitten his cheek.  It could have ended so, so much worse. 

So the big question is, what happened to the dog?  They still have it, I would never ask them to get rid of him on account of this.  He has been their family dog for 6 years.  But I did ask that he is not around my kids. At all.  Ever.  And of course the babysitter had already planned on that before I mentioned it.  She even said they are thinking about giving it to her mother.  So for now, the dog stays in the garage while the kiddos are up and running around.  I’m sad for the babysitter.  I’m kind of sad for the dog.  I’m most sad for my kid, that he had to experience such an awful thing.

I’m incredibly relieved that the whole thing ended as well as it did. 

P.S. Dexter’s surgery consultation is next Thursday!

~C~

i know why women want more babies

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I’ve pretty much decided that we are not allowed to go in public anymore.  Ever since I started my blog and began posting a lot of pictures here, people just recognize us way too much.  Ha.  Or maybe it’s because EVERY time we go somewhere to have fun, someone (or all of us) end up getting sick. 

It’s been 4 weeks since Theo and I had the stomach virus from hell.  And now Theo has been fighting a junky cough for over a week.  Apparently he was also fighting a sore throat, which would explain a recent eating strike, because last night I started developing one that could pretty much be summed up in three words:  Swallowing.  Razor.  Blades.  Both boys have had weird, persistent rashes.  Dexter has been getting up a lot at night, and when I say “a lot,” I mean 9 times.  NINE times in 8 hours.  I wasn’t home that night but I felt terrible, knowing that my husband was suffering alone while I was at work.  I pretty much started my day at 1:58am on Saturday though, so I think that made up for it.  I can’t wait to get these kids feeling better again.

Dexter decided around Thursday and Friday of last week that now would be a good time to start crawling.  To that, I would say:  Dexter.  Stop it.  This is not a good time to start crawling.  I thought I asked you to wait until the Christmas decorations were tucked back in their boxes in January.  Hell, they’re not even untucked from their boxes yet!

It’s weird.  With Theo, I wanted him to hit every milestone early or right on time and got myself into a panic at times if he wasn’t doing just what every other kid his age was doing.  Or what every book or website said he should be doing.  With Dexter, I just want him to slow down.  Aside from the emotional issues attached to my baby not wanting to stay a baby (again? gah.), there are the logistical issues.  He’s so much smaller at six months than Theo was at nine, when he started crawling.  He has less physical control of himself, you know what I mean?  I remember Theo falling on his face and busting his lip while he was learning to crawl.  And he was THREE whole months older than Dexter is now.  I dunno, it’s probably a dumb thing to worry or think about, but I do. 

Mainly, I just want him to be my snuggly little baby forever.  It’s no mystery why women have one baby after another.  I guess they think eventually one of them might actually stay a baby forever.  Despite the nightmarish sleep issues we’re dealing with right now, babies are so precious.  Dexter was playing with something he shouldn’t last night, so I took it away from him, expecting him to cry.  He didn’t.  He didn’t even know the difference.  He was happy moving on to another toy.  I am not looking forward to the fits and tantrums.  Babies are so sweet and cuddly.  We’re still rocking Dexter to sleep, which I suspect is part of the problem that we’re having with night wakings – he doesn’t know how to go back to sleep on his own when he wakes up between sleep cycles.  But as soon as we start putting him to bed on his own, that’s the end of it.  That’s the end of rocking him to sleep.  Or at least it was with Theo.  And once it was done, there was nothing I wanted more than to steal those moments back. 

Ugh.

There’s a constant battle betwen the good and the bad.  I just keep telling myself, it’s just a phase…it’s just a phase…it’s just a phase…it won’t last forever.  And that’s good and bad.  Bad because this time in our lives is moving at warp speed.

All my life, I dreamed of my wedding day.  All my life, I envisioned what it would be like to be pregnant and to cuddle that sweet newborn baby.  These things are glamorized to little girls, you know?  No one really prepares you for the heartburn, the hemorrhoids, or the fact that these things come and go in the blink of an eye.  My wedding lasted 15 minutes.  And in retrospect, it doesn’t feel like my pregnancies lasted much longer than that.  Or my babies’ itty bitty stages.

I know they are still little.  We are having the time of our lives watching them grow and learn.  I do love having little kids and I absolutely believe that a few years from now, 20 years from now, and 50 years from now, I will look back in disbelief at how far from this time in my life I’ve gotten. 

The point is, part of me feels like sobbing because it’s over.  I got pregnant with Theo in June of 2009 and by May of 2011, in a flash, I was done having babies.  Done feeling them kick inside of me.  Done staring at them for the first time and memorizing every curve of their fresh little bodies.  It is such a blur now.  So, yes.  I understand why women want to keep re-living those moments by having another baby.  While that part of my life is over, at the same time, I know that we’ve just begun and the time of our lives lies ahead of us. 

~C~