I’m sad

Snapshot

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

If I someone took a snapshot of me at any given moment and handed it to me, I would probably gasp in horror.  Lately I have been avoiding mirrors like the plague.  The first word that comes to mind when I try to think of a way to describe myself is haggard.  Isn’t that awful?  Doesn’t it just sound atrocious?  But that’s it…that’s how I feel about myself right now. 

I’ll be walking through the mall (pushing a stroller) or walking through Target (pushing my baby in the cart) and I will feel fine.  I’ll see a cute, carefree mom who is wearing heeled boots, modern jeans, and a trendy top, which all look perfect with her make-up and freshly cut and styled hair.  She’s got a baby about Theo’s age so I’ll be thinking to myself – oh, there’s a lady just like me.  I’ll give her that knowing mom smile and maybe she’ll give me one back or maybe she’ll just look at me and shake her head, thankful that she’s still got it together.

Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or the reflection of a storefront window.  I’m the mom wearing tennis shoes and the same jeans I’ve had for the last 5 years.  I haven’t worn make up in, I don’t know, weeks or maybe even over a month.  Every week and a half or so I’ll catch a glimpse of my eyebrows in the rearview mirror while the sun is streaming through the sunroof and realize that every single person who has seen me in the light of day has probably wondered if I have EVER seen a mirror.  Then I’ll scramble to get my tweezers out of the side pocket in my purse and pluck out the really long, dark ones before I go run the next errand.  I think I’ve gotten my eyebrows threaded 2 times in 2010.  Neither of those times were recent.  Then there’s the upper lip hair.  I don’t even want to talk about that.  It’s virtually invisible under our dim bathroom lights so I don’t notice it until I’m out in public. 

The last time I straightened or styled my hair?  Again, weeks.  Maybe months.  Last haircut? July.  Last one before that?  At least another 5-8 months before that.  Last color/dye job…also July (and it shows).  So, in other words, I have worn my hair in a ponytail every.single.day for MONTHS.  I’m so ashamed of that, but secretly glad that it’s long enough to do it.  Last pedicure?  Hmm.  Maybe July, but there’s a good chance that I just painted my toenails myself. 

Last time I bought a new outfit?  July (and that was one single solitary dress.  on sale at Target for $14).  Currently I have a rotation of about 4 pairs of pants and twice as many shirts (mostly hoodies) that I wear.  I hate every piece of clothing I own.  I hate getting dressed.  I hate checking my reflection in the mirror before I leave.  Will I ever be that cute mom that makes someone else think I’ve really got it together? 

Why did I do so well in July?  I didn’t, really.  Everything was done on the same day for an exciting anniversary dinner to The Melting Pot.  The best part?  My husband didn’t even notice.  Just a general “you look nice.”  Nice?  Whatever.  So much for knocking his socks off.  Thank goodness he loves me for me and not for being h-o-t-t because I’m afraid I’d let him down on a daily basis.   

But forget his socks, I want to knock my own socks off sometimes.  When I see the bags under my eyes and the increasingly obvious wrinkles on my face…my hands… I wonder is this the end?  Kids must officially think I’m old.  Now that I’m a mom, is this how it’s always going to be?  I was never, ever a fashionista or a knockout but I used to have days where I felt cute.  Even pretty at times.  I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt pretty.  Well, that one day July I guess.  Before that…hmm….

To add to all of the stuff that I could control, if I ever made time for it, there are the (not-so-)fun things that come with being pregnant that I have absolutely no control over.  MY ZITTY FOREHEAD for example.  I thought you were supposed to glow with raidance when you got into the second trimester.  I’m glowing with oily skin and big shiny red things that would make Rudolph green with envy.  Sometimes I only get around to brushing my teeth once a day.  That won’t give you any extra confidence, I promise.  I’ve been known to wear my glasses for a week or more because I didn’t make time or have the energy to put in my contacts. 

My weight hasn’t sky-rocketed out of control so that’s one thing I’ve got going for me.  Not that anyone would notice, on top of everything else.  I need to do something for me.  Something to make myself feel pretty.  Or just normal. 

Making the time to do all this stuff is hard.  Justifying spending money on material things for myself isn’t easy for me.  I just feel that these things are low on the priority totem pole when there are so many other things to think about right now.

Good thing my baby is cute.  Otherwise, I don’t think anyone would notice me at all.

    ~C~

mama’s crazy

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

*Disclaimer: I wrote this blog post when I was about 8 weeks along and I am VERY happy to say that these dark days have passed (fore the most part, I think) and my mood is much improved! Don’t be scared of me… I’m still blaming it on those out-of-control, first-trimester hormones!

This familiar experience has become a new experience altogether.  I don’t know if it’s because my life has so drastically changed since my first pregnancy, or because the situation is different, or if it has something to do with the hormones, but I’m crazy.  Certifiably crazy.  I say it’s the hormones.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I’ve noticed with this pregnancy that my temper is shorter, I’m more easily annoyed, and I feel grumpier in general.  I remember when I was about this far along with Theo, his papa told me that he’d heard horror stories from men about their pregnant wives due to the hormones and mood swings.  We tossed our heads back and laughed hearty laughs as the wind blew threw our perfectly styled hair and birds chirped around us on a sunny Spring day as we rolled around and kissed in a field of clover. 

I think we have officially left the meadow and have made it to the darkest of the dreary dungeons.  Those birds we heard are actually bats.  And the clover kind of turned in to thistle.  I might have just turned into the woman those horror stories were written about. 

I’m grumpy.  There are times of happiness but in general, my mood has been kind of dour. 

I get annoyed easily and sometimes I feel like ever fiber of every organ inside of me is screaming “go away!” at whatever or whomever is irritating me at the moment. 

There have been a couple of times when Theo would not stop crying when I just had to hand him off to his dad before I screamed something inappropriate. 

There was one time when I had to walk away from Theo’s dad before I screamed something inappropriate at him.  I don’t remember what the argument was about, but even at the time I knew it was ridiculous and I felt that there was nothing I could do to control my emotions. This is just not me.

Obviously I have controlled my emotions and when I say I had to walk away, I don’t mean that I was going to harm anyone if I didn’t.  It’s just that at that moment, my nerves were so frayed that I had to step away and take a breath. 

So, since I didn’t experience any of this with Theo, I’m wondering if this baby could be a girl?  All those extra hormones?

Or is this craziness due to the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned and has got me beyond stressed?  Or because I already have a baby and am sleep-deprived as it is (thank you third shift and baby and pregnancy)?  Because I have little to no down time to recover from the daily stresses that add up over time? 

I. Just. Don’t. Know.  But I know that I don’t like myself very much when I am crazy. 

~C~

the end.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

On Monday, November 15, 2010, Theo was exactly 8 months and one week old. 

On Monday, November 15, 2010, Theo took the last sip of his mama’s milk. 

It was the last bag of frozen breastmilk we had in the freezer.  So as I fed him his bottle, I felt a little sad.  I hadn’t realized that I had probably already nursed him for the last time, but I guess I have, since right now it’s been 5 days since he last nursed and I don’t even feel “the pressure” to do so. 

And that little stinker threatened to not finish the bottle.  It was only 5 ounces and he drank 3 and started pushing it away.  I kept shoving it back in his mouth but figured I could probably just save it and offer it to him again a few minutes later.  Which I did, and he drank it.  And that was it.  I am done breastfeeding my baby boy. 

On one hand, I’m really sad that I didn’t make it to a year, but I know that the reasons for this are beyond my control.  I guess that helps a little.  It’s not as if I chose to be done.  But at the same time, I didn’t go nuts taking herbs or visiting the lactation consultant to see what I could do to boost my dying supply either.  For that, I feel a little guilty.  I guess 8 months isn’t so bad. 

On the other hand, damn! Formula is easy.  I didn’t know any different with Theo, but when we have another baby, I wonder if it will be harder to stick with the pumping and freezing and thawing and etc etc etc EVERY.single.DAY just to keep the breast milk flowing. 

I feel so free not having to lug that stupid pump to work and take breaks every 3 hours.  Not that I minded the breaks…which I don’t really get anymore… but I always hated pumping from day 1. 

I know it’s not a big deal to Theo- he adapted so easily to the bottle and has actually had far less issues with spitting up since transitioning to formula gradually.  I don’t know if that is because of his stomach getting more tolerant or if it is because of there being less variables in the formula’s ingredients than the breast milk.  Who knows?

It’s kind of crazy to me that at 6 months he was 100% breast fed.  Now he’s 100% not.  That happened way faster than I expected.

It is what it is.  Sigh.

~C~