I’m sad

their first week

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I’ve been surprised so far at how the boys have done with the transition from our previous sitter to the new one. I thought Theo would be the one throwing fits, resisting, and expressing himself through negative behaviors.  Instead, it’s Dexter who seems to be struggling most with the change.

I thought Dexter would be fine because he’s so easy. He’s so happy, easy to please, and easy-going.  He has a smile plastered on his face 90% of the time and rarely throws fits or tantrums.

Monday.

Dropoff:  We went together to support each other, the kids, and because we both wanted to see their reactions firsthand.  The room we take them to in the morning has a baby gate and Dexter kept trying to escape and run towards us but he wasn’t crying. We hugged and kissed both boys and told them goodbye.  As we left, Dexter was trying to get out of the baby gate and Theo was standing in the middle of the room crying and calling out to us.

So, that felt like crap.

I remembered 10 minutes later that I’d forgotten to leave the diapers and wipes so I texted and asked if I should come back or if that would make it worse. She said within five minutes they were both playing and happy and that it could wait until afternoon.  Ryan wanted to join me again for pick-up so we went together and as we opened the door, I heard Dexter’s cry.  She said that he saw us out the window and burst into tears.  I can only assume that he was feeling stressed and the relief of seeing us out the window triggered that emotional release.  He latched onto Ryan and continued to cry.  She said they had a great day and that they seemed to be transitioning well considering their ages.

That night, the boys played and were active at home.  When bedtime rolled around, their behaviors escalated and they both became very whiny and emotional.  This isn’t totally out of the ordinary for them, especially Theo, when he is very tired.  The odd thing was how Dexter screamed bloody murder like he had a broken leg when he was put in his bed.  Pretty sad situation.  He stopped after a few minutes and there was nothing but dead silence coming from the monitor.

Tuesday.

I dropped them off and Theo ran over to the toy box immediately and started digging for something.  When I said “bye, Theo!” he yelled “bye, Mom!” without ever looking up.  Dexter, on the other hand, hugged me and did not want me to put him down. The sitter was able to engage and distract him and he went right to her to go look for cars to play with.  Better.

At pick-up, she said that Dexter had a few crying spells in the morning and was looking for me.  I picked him up and hugged him and said “were you crying?”  He answered, “yes, I was crying for youuuuuu!”  Oh, no.  Sad, sad, sad.  She said again that she thought they were doing very well adjusting and complimented us on how clearly the boys speak and how smart they are! Nice to hear.

Bedtime was better for Theo but about the same for Dexter. Lots of crying and screaming and begging to be held.  Ugh.

Wednesday.

Ryan volunteered to drop them off.  It was Red, White, and Blue day in celebration of the 4th tomorrow, so we dressed them to the nines!

Getting a decent picture of these two is quite the task these days.  Not that it’s ever been easy…maybe when they’re 8&9??  

We had a little extra time this morning so why not spend it tackling some yardwork?

Ryan called after drop off and said that it did not go so swell.  He said that Dexter cried when they went inside and started calling “Mama! Mama!”  He voluntarily went from Ryan to the new sitter, but then switched to crying for daddy.  Double UGH.  As he left, Dexter was still crying.  Again, Theo was fine.

I know they are safe and I know they will be okay.  I don’t know exactly how Theo is processing this because he seems … FINE.  And maybe he really is fine.  I just did not expect Dexter to be so emotional or have such a hard time.  I hope that it gets a whole lot easier before Theo starts going to school three days a week in August. A month is a long time in the life of a 2 year old so I’m hopeful that by then, Dexter will be well-adjusted and we won’t be having these meltdowns every day.  Poor guy. I wish I could make it easier on him (and us!).  I sure am glad that their first week was only 3 days.

Have you ever dealt with a transition like this?  What helped?

xo,
~C~

their last day

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

Well, this has been kinda tough so far.  By kinda, I mean I’ve cried over this dumb mess more than I ever imagined possible or reasonable.  It’s odd and interesting, the things that become important and stressful once you become a parent that you never DREAMED would be such a big deal. It’s been heart-wrenching at times and I have to admit that I’ve probably shed more tears over this than anything since my dad died.  Well, I’m skipping over the hormonal crying related to newborn baby sleep deprivation and/or pregnancy.  While it doesn’t exactly feel like someone died, the finality has hit me hard that this desirable situation has come to an end and an uncertain future is upon us.

Last Friday was the boys’ last day with their first and beloved lady.  They have always spoken so highly of her and have looked forward to going to her home.  The Saturday before last, I took them to JoAnn Fabrics and told them they could pick out any gift to make for her.  Theo was drawn towards the birdhouses so they both spent some time picking their houses, changing their minds, and changing their minds again until they both picked the perfect gifts.  Picking out their paint colors was much easier.  Green and red.

They really were not interested in putting clothes back on after painting in the (almost) nude.  So they played while their projects dried.  I worked on them a little bit each night leading up to their last day.  Thursday night we put the boys’ handprints on the bottoms of their birdhouses and I sealed them with clearcoat.  

As I was painting them and realizing that this was it, this was really the last night before the last morning that they’d wake up and go to her house, I lost it.  There were lots of tears.  It’s just hard as a mom, going from something that you take comfort in to something that feels so completely uncomfortable.  I’ve grieved for my relationship with this woman, who has become a friend. I’ve grieved for the kids’ relationship with her. For the kids’ relationship with her son. Her husband.  They have been so much a part of our family for the last 3 years.  The boys have spent so many hours in her arms, home, and in her care.  It’s hard to let go. And while I realize that we can and will remain in contact, it will never be the same.

The last pick-up.
There were lots of hugs during that hard good-bye but somehow I kept it together until we closed the door for the last time.  I looked behind me as we crossed the yard to the car and Theo had stopped about 20 feet back.  He was standing still with his bottom lip sticking out.  I said “Theo, come on honey.  Let’s go.”  He remained still and I asked him what was wrong.  He suddenly ran to me and I swooped him up and held him tight.  He said “I’m sad” and started to cry.  That’s when my tears began to flow as well.  We just stood there, hugging and crying in the yard for a couple of minutes.  I was crying because he was crying. Because he was smart enough to know that something had changed but I was also crying because I knew he didn’t fully understand. He sucked his thumb and stared out the window on the way home.
Friday night we distracted ourselves with a fun baseball game.  The boys were tired by the 5th inning and some nasty looking clouds were heading our way so we left. 

Coming up next — the first day(s) at the new sitter.
xo,
~C~

blue in the face

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

That’s how much we’ve talked about this daycare situation.  Til we’re blue in the face.

Pretty shortly after our babysitter told us she’s closing, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to go the home babysitter route going forward.  Nothing against her or the experience we’ve had there.  To the contrary, actually.  For one, she has been unbelievably reliable and has exceeded all of our expectations.  She doesn’t turn the t.v. on and sit them in front of it. EVER. She has had a schedule/routine and planned-out days since the boys were both infants and has tailored learning activities to their level ever since. I don’t expect to find any of that with another home babysitter.  And there’s the obvious possibility of another babysitter deciding that this is something she no longer wants to do. I don’t want to risk putting ourselves in this situation again.  We accepted that we were vulnerable to that possibility when we chose a home babysitter, but I think that it had worked out so well up to this point that we never considered her closing a potential problem.

But.  She is doing what she has to do for her family as they move forward to the next stage of life.  So, since the decision has been made for us, it seems like the appropriate time to make the transition to a daycare/pre-school center.  We visited and toured 5 centers on Tuesday.  Two had waiting lists.  One of those two was immediately off the list because… well, it was disgusting.  I don’t know how or why any parent would feel good about dropping their child off there.  It was fine from the outside. Nice-looking brick building and playground in a fenced in area behind the building. The inside was gross, the staff seemed did not seem friendly, professional, or knowledgeable. The director’s office was repulsive.  I wanted to leave as soon as we walked through the front door.  So that was an easy cut.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the one that was probably our first choice was obviously the most expensive.  I don’t want to sound like a big cheap-o because OF COURSE their care, education, safety, and happiness is paramount and worth all the money in the world.  However, we do not possess all the money in the world and if we did, I sure as hell would not be working just to pay for their damn daycare.  Okay, got that out of my system.  So, that place is pretty much off the list.

Down to three.

One is an “educational center.”  It has an official pre-school program, before and after school care, and summer care for children up to age 12.  The kind of place where there is a sense of peace of mind just because it’s regarded in the community as a quality facility. We were not overwhelmed with warm fuzzies for the building or the director.  Upon further consideration, I think we decided the building was fine. The hang-up we had was that the 3yr olds and up basically shared one large open space that was more or less divided by coat racks and bookshelves.  Doesn’t seem like the most conducive environment for 3 year olds.  Aside from that, they have a waiting list.  The problem with the waiting list is that they can’t seem to be able to tell us how long the waiting list IS.  Are we talking weeks, months, or years? That’s all I want to know, so we can decide if this is even a real possibility. We don’t have 6 months to decide.  Obviously if we decide to go there, we will be on a waiting list so we need to figure out care in the interim.

The next viable option is an older facility that I have gotten a few mixed reviews on. A couple of people’s primary concern was that the building is not secure.  In other words, it was the only one out of five daycares that you can just walk right into and stroll through the building. Of course, they ask that you sign in when you get there but I had a friend who went there once and waited. And waited. Then wandered around the building looking for someone.  I’m just kind of picturing this place being ran by hippies. There’s a very different approach here.  It’s on 10+ acres, in the woods, and I think that makes it unique and special on it’s own. They do take some really neat field trips. They have a pool and in the summer, the kids get to swim 40 minutes a day. They do have an official pre-school program during the school year.  But the building.  I don’t know how else to describe it but dilapidated.  I imagine that the place needs some serious repairs.  Another parent took her child there 20 years ago and was not satisfied at all.  Valuable information since the place is family owned and operated and has been this entire time, but a lot can change in 20 years.  I wasn’t super duper encouraged by my limited interactions with the staff/teachers. They have programs for kids up to age 12, so summer care would not be a problem there even after they went to elementary school.

And finally, the third place was kind of a spur of the moment thing that I remembered as we were heading back home after seeing the other four places.  We were warmly greeted as soon as we walked in the door by the assistant director and she happily gave us a tour, was very knowledgeable, and spent a lot of time with us, explaining things and allowing us to observe the classes.  The kids were eating lunch and transitioning to naptime while we were there so we didn’t really observe any “teaching” but the staff were friendly and I liked the assistant director a lot.  Every place we went, I asked “will the boys ever see each other?” Most commonly, the answer was “in passing” or “not really.”  Um? These kids have been attached at the hip since the day Dexter was born. I’m having a hard time with this. I know it’s going to happen when Theo goes to Kindergarten but for Pete’s sake, that’s two years away.  At this last center, the assistant director smiled and nodded and said she understood. That if either of them seemed to be having a rough day, they would pull both of them and let them have some “brother time” to just play or be around each other.  Also, they would play together on the playground at the end of the day.  Negatives?  There’s no pre-school.  And there’s no care after Theo goes off to Kindergarten. So after he finished Kindergarten, we’d have to find some other new place to take both of them. I know it’s three years away and things might be different then, but it’s something we think about and consider.  The teachers are not degreed (licensed, I guess but don’t have college degrees).  I’m not saying someone needs to have a college education to be qualified to watch my kids, but this place was a little more expensive than the educational center that was accredited, etc., with degreed and licensed teachers that use specific curriculum in their classrooms.  I liked their outdoor play area better than any of the other centers, aside from the one on the huge wooded lot.  They don’t do any field trips.  I don’t think field trips are super important to me, I guess there are pros and cons to field trips. I kind of get the creeps thinking about anyone but me or someone very close to me driving my kids around and fastening them in carseats, etc.

Anyway — tough choices. I think we just need to go back and observe, interact, and spend some more time before we decide what to do.  How important is the secure entry?  Warm, fuzzy feeling from the staff?  Official pre-school program?  What are the requirements to call yourself a pre-school or can any facility say they have a pre-school? I have no clue.  We’re pretty lost.  We just keep talking and pushing and pulling and trying to figure out which one of our high priorities is our number one priority.

We will have to figure it out, and figure it out soon.  If not for the boys’ safety, educations, and happiness, then for my own sanity.  I didn’t know one lady could analyze, obsess, stress, or worry about something like this so much in one day.  For 5 days in a row. I need a resolution so I can rest a little bit.  This not knowing is going to drive me mad.

xo,
~C~