I’m sad

goodbye, grandpa.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

Last fall, my mom called and said my grandpa’s prostate cancer had spread to his back.  Chemo, weekly doctor’s appointments, labs, hospital stays, good days, and bad days followed.

Come spring there were times when we couldn’t believe just how well he seemed.  A month or so ago he ended up in the hospital due to what turned out to be 2 bleeding ulcers in his intestines that were easily fixed.  That’s what Theo thinks of when he thinks of Pappaw.

Huh?  I know.  My mom told me on the phone while I was in the car that grandpa had been throwing up some blood and that my grandma said it looked like coffee.  I explained to Ryan while Theo and Dexter sat quietly in the backseat.  I said it sounded bad and I thought we needed to get over there and visit ASAP.  When we got home, as I was getting them out of the car, Theo told me.  “We gotta go see Pappaw.  Make him feel better.  Pappaw don’t like coffee anymore.”  Theo repeats variations of those phrases all the time.

Pappaw’s sick, him’s not feeling good today.
I’m gonna see Pappaw and make him smile.
Make him feel better.
He don’t drink coffee anymore.
Pappaw don’t like coffee anymore.

2pm.  Yesterday.  We were driving through the town where they live so we stopped for a quick visit on our way to another get-together.  He’s been in the nursing home for two weeks, rehabbing.  He hasn’t had the strength to walk or pull himself up, so they were doing physical therapy with him.  He was supposed to go home this week.  We visited for 45 minutes or so.  He was lying down the whole time, seemed tired.  We left quickly, after Theo announced that he had pooped; we told him we’d see him at home next time.

6am.  Today.  My mom called, crying.  I knew before I answered the phone because there would be no other reason for her to call so early.  “Dad died,” she said through tears.

I can’t really remember what she said because I didn’t believe it.  Still don’t.  The whole conversation is a blur.  How could this be?  We just saw him yesterday.  Saw him. Talked to him.  Hugged him and told him we loved him.  Didn’t think he would die before we’d see him again.  Didn’t think my grandma would be a widow today.

I’m unbelievably grateful that we took the time to stop by.  I hope we made him feel a little better, made him smile.  I told Theo today that Pappaw passed away and he told me that he wants to see him again, wants to make him feel better.

I knew he wouldn’t understand but I felt like I owed him an explanation.  I did the best I could.

Pappaw don’t like coffee anymore.

~C~

the last night at home.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

May 24, 2012.

That’s the last night our boys slept at their beds in their first home.

Coincidentally, I had scheduled our family pictures for the same night long before I knew it would be our last night there as a family of four.  It was serendipitous timing for the photo shoot.  I have bragged on our photographer before, but she never ceases to amaze me.  Every time she leaves, I’m thinking she didn’t get anything good, but somehow, she always does.  We wanted to make sure some of the pictures had our house in the background.

The main reason for the photo shoot was to capture my baby boys, ages 1 and 2.
Photos courtesy of Simply Angie Photography
I can’t help it, I just think these two are the cutest peanuts in the pack. After Angie left, we decided to take one last walk to the Dairy Queen down the road.  We can get to it from behind without ever leaving our neighborhood.  We took in all of the sights and sounds and smells.  Fresh cut grass.  Kids laughing and playing.  Cars driving by and people waving.  Neighbors saying hello and nodding at one another as they pass on the street.  It really is a wonderful neighborhood. 
In an unexpected twist, Theo chose the stroller over the wagon for our last family walk.

Ordering our treats.

The air conditioned store was a nice break.

This is what we get now when we tell him to smile for the camera. 

I WANT ICE CREAM.

Monumental day, monumental first:  His very own ice cream cone.

And boy did he make that thing disappear, down to the last bite of cone.

Now that’s a good big brother!

Theo decided he wanted to walk/run home – the whole .8 mi home!

He knows the way.
It was getting dark so we went inside and turned on a little Lightning McQueen to end our day with some normalcy.  We tried explaining what is happening to Theo but I don’t know how much he understands.  He just keeps saying “I wanna go to mommy’s house.”  When we tell him we can’t, he says “my stuff’s all gone!” We took him there after we had moved everything out.  He thought it was fun hearing his own echo and driving his Little Tikes car as fast as he could through the empty rooms.  
xo,
~C~

how we ended up this way (homeless)

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I know I have gone on and on about this but truthfully, it is dragging on and on and has been one of the most stressful times of my life.  Our lives.  We close on our house next Thursday, but I have to work next week so we pretty much have to be out of here by the end of the weekend.  Meaning the boys are staying at nana and pop pop’s while we finish packing and move all of our stuff to storage.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that we will not put our little boys to bed in this house ever again, after tonight.  They won’t come back here. They won’t play with magnets on the fridge or kick a ball across the yard.   This is it.  It’s over.  We’ve done all the living here we are going to do.

We carried 2 brand new babies up the sidewalk and through the front door. We painted nurseries and picked out baby names here.  My dad died while I lived here and I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count.  We were just 24 and 26 years old when we sat on the front step of the house and made an offer on it because we didn’t want to let it get away from us.  We tore that step out and put in a big porch.

We have made so many memories here and I know we aren’t leaving the memories behind, but it feels weird.  It feels bad.  I can’t imagine some other totally lame family doing the same thing in my house. Our house.

Maybe it would feel different if we had somewhere to go.  We did have somewhere to go, but it fell through. It didn’t fall through, we backed out.  After the inspection we found out that this house…

this beautiful house that we had a contract on, needed a new roof in a few years.  But not bad enough yet to replace, so we couldn’t justifiably ask for it.  It needs a new roof in 4 years (ish).  Well, as you can see, the roof is super steep. Which means it costs a lot more to replace.  Like $20,000.  That’s just not a burden we were willing to take on.  So this house, which was starting to feel a lot like Home Sweet Home to us, turned into Nothing Sweet Nothing but a lot of wasted money (earnest money, inspection money…down the drain). But we made the responsible decision to forego this home knowing about the impending expense. 
Of course that means now, that we have no home.  We are going to stay with Ryan’s kind and gracious parents for a minute while we figure out what we’re doing.  We are considering building, but we are still watching the market and hoping for that perfect home (with a flatter roof) that we can get into in a month or so.  
Cross your fingers.  Say a prayer. Knock on wood.  Wish us well.  Do whatever you want to do if you think it will help us find a home and not feel so homeless and hopeless.  
So that’s what’s been going on.  Has anything like this happened to you?  Did people tell you a billion times it will all work out and everything will be okay?  And did you roll your eyes because, while that’s true, it hasn’t and it’s not?  I know I’m being dramatic.  But y’all?  This sucks.  Bigtime. 
~C~