I’m sad

i miss this place.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

It’s no secret that I haven’t been around here as much as I used to be.  It’s not by choice at all, I just haven’t had the time.  I don’t know when or how to make the time anymore.  It’s not that I don’t want to be here. I actually think about some of my blog friends quite often and miss reading their posts and comments on my posts.  I’ve found some wonderful ladies who have similar stories to mine.  It’s easy to bond this way, becoming friends with someone you’ve never hugged or high fived.  Thank goodness for mobile Facebook, I’m able to keep up with a couple friends that way.

In related news, I completely tanked on my Project 365 and that makes me really sad.  I don’t think I’ve taken a picture in at least a week.  That makes me even sadder.  (Even more sad?)  I haven’t decided if I am going to try to resurrect that or just let it die in peace.  Maybe I’ll start all over again later this year.  This blog is overdue for a photo post and an update on the boys and I will try to get to both of those soon.

Life is just crazy right now.  We sold our house and we have nowhere to go…literally.  We are going to have to shack up with friends, stay in a hotel, or decide to get an apartment.  There’s a house we like (a lot) but a lot goes into this decision.  It this the house we want our kids to grow up in?  We don’t want to move again until they are out of school.  We are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to make this huge decision and going nuts in the process.

Dexter has pinkeye.  Wonder who will fall victim next?

miss you,
~C~

quiet time, reflecting on my homelessness

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

The boys are in bed, the house is clean, and brownies are baking in the oven. What I should be doing is working on Dexter’s first year photo book, but that’s a lot of work and I’m feeling a little lazy right now. Can I just say I didn’t really get the rage about an iPad until we got one? Love this thing.

So I’m just sitting here, looking out the window at our big, pretty backyard, thinking how much it’s going to suck in a month WHEN WE’RE HOMELESS. Yep, we sold our house in 12 days, and if everything goes smoothly from here on out, we will be closing at the end of May. And living out of suitcases in our car. We haven’t found anything we want to buy and since we’ll be spending a lot of money and a lot of our lives on this purchase, we’re not going to rush because our lives are inconvenient right now.

Could someone please remind me why we thought it would be a good time to do this with a two year old and an 11 month old? Can’t remember for some reason.

We are still having Dexter’s party at the house in a couple of weeks. Weird to think that it will be the last time most of our friends and some of our family ever see this place. It was so much fun buying this house and making it our own. I wish I had photos of the transformation over the past 8 years. It has been a work in progress, that’s for sure. It’s home to us and it’s hard to imagine any other house feeling so much like home. Home sweet home.

It’s where we became a family. We loved here, we fought here. We rejoiced here and cried here and celebrated here and lost here. We are only the third owners of this fifty year old house. We are as much a part of its story as it is a part of ours. We are really going to miss this place.

~C~

this just feels wrong.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

This post will from here on out be called “the one where she whines a lot.”

Something’s not quite right.  I was off work for 11 days.  11 glorious days.  A while back, I talked about how I felt guilty for not wanting to be a stay at home mom.  For liking my job.  For liking the chance to get out of the house and talk to other adults.  For wanting to use my college degree 40 hours a week.  Or 37.5…whatever. I work for the government.  Point is…

I’ve changed my mind.  I take it all back. 

I want to be a stay at home mom.  There.  I said it.

As I was leaving work a week and a half ago, it struck me that I have not had that much time off work (excluding maternity leave) in about three years.  I hadn’t been able to take any vacations because I was always saving up time for maternity leaves.  It was the first time I’ve had a chance to take time off while the babies were sleeping through the night and just … well… generally pleasant to be around 90% of the time.

Finally…I was off work.  And?  The boys were generally pleasant to be around.  Scratch that.  They were a blast.  My 10 year old niece from Tennessee also spent her Spring Break with me so that gave me another person to have conversations with.  We went to the zoo.  We went shopping.  We went to the park.  We went out to eat (a lot). 

Going back to work last night, something just felt off.  Just wrong.  I didn’t want to go back.  I didn’t want to send them to the babysitter this morning.  I kept thinking, it’s not fair.  Someone else shouldn’t get to spend more time with my kids than I do.  Even though I was only off work for a week and a half, it felt like longer.  It felt kind of like going back to work after maternity leave.  I didn’t want to leave my babies.  I want to be with them.  I miss them.  I miss out.  Over the last week and a half, I got to be there for so many cute, every day moments. 

Theo’s vocabulary and ability to express himself has soared in the past couple of weeks.  Now he says stuff like “guess what, mommy?” before telling me about something that’s important to him.  Now he says stuff like “Hello? It’s me,” while he’s playing with his toy phone.  All day Saturday and Sunday he said “Spencer’s coming tonight and he’s going to ride Pop Pop’s tractor with me!”  Oh yeah, and he also says things like “I’m going to sit on the couch and watch doodlebops for a few minutes.”  No lie.  Just one more.  “I’m going to sit at the table and color a little bit.”  I can only imagine how many of those phrases I would have missed if I had been at work all week. 

This week, I’m gonna miss them all.  I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna work and stare at my computer.  I’m gonna stare at their pictures on my desk and hope that the lump in my throat doesn’t interfere with my ability to do my job.  I’m gonna wish I could kiss them first thing in the morning and as I put them down for their naps.  I’m gonna wish I could clean up their lunch messes and toy piles.  I’m gonna wish I could take them for afternoon wagon rides and ice cream treats just because. 

I’m gonna miss everything.  I’m gonna miss it all. 

working sucks.
~C~