memories

these last two weekends

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

This past weekend, my mom visited for a few days. It was so, so nice to have her here and not really have anything planned to do. She read lots of “Cat in the Hat” and “Sam I Am” (like both books, every night… and she was here 4 nights) and made lots of no-bake cookies.  Yumm – best thing ever. We ate pizza and visited bookstores and chatted about finances and childcare and how this parenting business is harder than I expected on all kinds of levels.  Grown up business.  Oh, mama.  Then after those wonderful 4 days, she packed back up and went back to Tennessee.  The next time we see her will be in October when we all meet up in Florida for vacation.  Wee!!

The weekend before last, my best friend and her girlfriend came for a visit.  My best friend and I decided about a year ago that too much time was slipping by between our visits.  There’s nothing I’d love more than to have her living down the street.  I long for the kind of friendship here where my friend loves my kids (almost) as much as I do and I wouldn’t hesitate for one second to ask them to watch the boys.  Even better, if she lived here, I know she would ask me when she could watch the boys. Alas, she lives 4 hours away so we have to settle for occasional visits.  For the past year, we’ve set up quarterly visits and it’s working.  She comes here in Jan, Feb, or March.  I go there in April, May, or June.  And so on… so far, so good.  I love seeing my best friend but even more, I love seeing her with my boys and seeing how much they love her.

It was bittersweet watching them leave. Theo and I were outside playing in the sandbox and when they backed out, Theo watched them until their car disappeared down the road with a sad little frown on his face.  I asked him what was wrong and thought his eyes would well up with tears.  It was oddly sad to see how much he loves someone that is not family – but the beauty of it is that he doesn’t even realize that.  The strengths and weaknesses in relationships are magnified with the addition of children.  It’s true – kids change EVERY thing. Every single thing.  Some friendships I had before have all but gone away while others have blossomed.  Priorities change.  A real friend realizes that and accepts it for what it is.  Might not be late night 3 hour long phone calls anymore.  Might be a text at 6:30 am just to say hello.

My friends planned their visit – okay, I planned their visit – around an annual festival here called WAMMfest (Wine, Art, Microbrews, and Music).  My favorite thing is shopping all the local artisans’ booths for one-of-a-kind treasures.

We all got mugs from one of the local pottery artists, Fatty Frogs Pots (please support local businesses and check out her etsy page).
Emily, the bff, enlightened me that this year marks 20 years since we met. Doesn’t seem like either of us should be old enough to have had a friend for that long because one thing’s for sure, we weren’t in diapers when we met.  
We discovered that an abandoned wagon (the boys and Ryan went home for a nap) makes the perfect coffee table. 

20 years in the making and still going strong!

The day was gorgeous. Perfect. No other way to describe it. 

We ran into a friend of mine and her family and spent the last hour or so hanging out with them.  And you know, snapped this pic before I realized it looked like I was nursing my friend’s baby.  He was actually just passed out asleep…but yeah.  AWK-WARD.  P.S. The observant reader might notice that I changed clothes mid-festival.  Yes. That’s because I dumped a bucket of parmesan garlic butter down the front of that pink & blue striped dress, which, coincidentally belongs to the friend pictured here (holding Dexter).  Luckily Ryan came back with the boys – and a dress. 
All in all, our weekends have been pretty fantastic lately.
Now if I could just figure out a way to get my mom AND my bff a lil’ closer….
xo,
~C~

time of year

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

This is the time of year when the air gets hot and sticky.  The humidity is almost suffocating.  Going from the cool comfort of an air conditioned room to the outdoors creates a physical reaction that forces me to breathe consciously, rather than effortlessly.

When the weather gets this way, my mind wanders.  It feels like both a lifetime and just a minute have passed since that day. I picture myself standing there.  Mind whirring and body numb.  Realizing the magnitude of what was going on around me but unable to purposefully take it all in.  Knowing that this moment was one that I had pictured, had feared, for many months but unable to wrap my head around the fact that this day had arrived.  Unable to fully feel what I expected to feel.  We were about to watch as my dad’s casket was lowered into the ground and I was numb.  Cried out. Physically and emotionally drained.  Exhausted in every way.

I wore a sheer white shirt with red and black flowers on it with a knee length black skirt and black flats.  I smiled robotically as relatives took family photos in front of the treeline at the back edge of the cemetery, atop the hill where my dad’s body lies today.  I repeatedly twisted my long(er) hair up in a knot with my fingers and held it there for a few seconds in an attempt to cool off before letting it fall again around my shoulders.  I stared off in the distance.  I hugged family members and friends and thanked them for their condolences.  What else can you say?  It’s okay? No. Because it’s not okay.

Just a week prior, I stood on the deck looking at him. Watching him. Waiting. He was working in the yard in the mid-July heat.  So many loose ends he wanted to tie up and things he wanted to take care of so my mom wouldn’t have to. He knew he was running out of time.  He changed the oil in my mom’s car less than a week before he died. He was a shell, literally a shell, of the man he once was.  Bones and skin.  Beyond thin.  Sickly.  I stood on the deck as he took a break.  He was wearing a hat and he sat in a chair in the yard just beyond the shed.  His head was down.  I contemplated.  Watched, waited.  Finally he moved and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I didn’t know that that was the last Saturday I’d see my dad alive.

So today, July 23rd, is always my least favorite day.  Not because I expect horrible things to happen.  But because as soon as the first day of July rolls around, I start thinking about it. Feeling it.  The humidity. The emptiness that a girl feels when she loses her dad at 27.  They say you “lose” someone that you love. Lost loved ones.  It’s the ones that are left behind who feel lost and abandoned.

Most days are fine.  Most days I think about my dad in a positive, pleasant way.  It took a long time for those images of him being very ill to be replaced with better memories of happy times.  However, July pretty much stinks from start to finish.  Now I can look at a photo and know immediately when it was taken.  Before he got sick or after. But most days I feel okay.

There are moments.  Sigh…it’s so hard to explain to people that have never been through it.  Talking about it with people who do understand, I mean REALLY understand, is such a breath of fresh air.  Anyway, there are moments that still get me.  It’s like finding out all over again.  Realizing all over again.  Something will happen – one of the boys will say something.  We’ll be out doing something he would have enjoyed.  Seeing a place he would have loved to visit.  A song will play on the radio.  I’ll catch myself telling a stupid joke that only I think is funny.  Those moments have the capacity to take my breath away, because I’ll remember and realize that he’ll never be here for that, to do that, to go there, to laugh at himself.  I know he’s been gone for 6 years, but sometimes it still takes my breath away like a solid punch to the gut.

I don’t know how else to explain it or what else to say.  Have you ever missed someone so much it takes your breath away like that?

xo,
~C~

To read previous posts I’ve written about losing my dad, click HERE.

our tenth wedding anniversary

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

To say that our ten year anniversary snuck up on us would be an understatement.  I remember when we were dating and talking about getting married, how it would be our dream to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.  Well, we underestimated how much the wedding and everything else would cost.  We settled for Jamaica (no complaints, we loved it!) and said we’d go to Hawaii for our 5 year anniversary.  We didn’t really plan for a trip to Hawaii but during the winter prior to our 5th anniversary, we were presented with the opportunity to go on an Alaskan cruise shortly before our anniversary.  Amazing! But not Hawaii.  What is it about Hawaii?  I guess to us, it’s the ultimate vacation destination.  Anyway, it worked out best that we go to Disney this fall and sorry Charlie, but we’re just not the type of family that is able to go on two big vacations in one year.  So around March, I started looking for destinations for a romantic weekend getaway that were within driving distance.

I discovered Hocking Hills (in Ohio) and could not stop oohing and aahing over the images online.  So, I booked our trip to Ohio (again, not Hawaii) for the 4th through the 6th. Maybe it’s a more realistic goal to get there for our 20th anniversary.  Maybe.

On Friday, July 5th, we celebrated 10 years of marriage.  I kept saying “know what we were doing 10 years ago right now?”  And we struggled a little to remember the sequence and details throughout our wedding day.  We pieced it together and had fun re-living the memories together.

Babies.  Just babies.
We stopped for lunch in Columbus and then headed south to Logan, where our hotel was.  I had never been to Columbus and noon on the 4th of July was certainly not the time to visit.  Deadsville.  But it seemed like a wonderful town.  Logan:  Not Hawaii.  I researched online and this town looked so cute with some of the neatest shops and restaurants.  In reality, the town was a dump.  Sorry, Logan.  I get the draw, the surrounding area of Hocking Hills is astounding.  Amazing.  But when we rolled into town, we didn’t know that.  Logan could do a lot to increase tourism in the area – or at least the tourists’ experience there.  We were lucky to have a delicious barbeque place called Millstone BBQ right next to our hotel.  It was the beginning of my undoing.  
Spiked Southern Tea (x2) and Apple Cinnamon Nachos.  Shew lawdy. 
I was too incapacitated (from the nachos, not the spiked tea) to go to the local fireworks, so we went back to our hotel to use the hot tub.  ‘Cept the jets weren’t working.  Cool!  
Friday morning (our actual anniversary) we headed to Lancaster for our big adventure of the weekend. 
It rained/drizzled throughout our 2 hour zipline tour, but overall it wasn’t terrible.  Most of the time we were protected by the canopy of trees.  I obviously wasn’t able to take my camera or phone so I was happy they offered a photo package.  We got to ride 11 different lines and rappel down from the last platform.  

Practice time – learning how to self-rescue.

Lucky me! I got to be the first one to go across the first line.

Before I figured out that you steer with your wrists, I was twisty-turny.

Zipping across one of the 1,000+ foot lines, over 100 feet in the air!

Racing.  (Pretty sure I lost).

Getting ready to rappel.
After ziplining, we were hungry so we went into the town of Lancaster, OH, where we SHOULD have stayed.  It was super cute and historic with the neatest buildings and homes, as well as a modernized area with all of the amenities you could ask for.  I already want to take the boys to the Hocking Hills/Columbus area when they are a little older so I’ll keep this in mind.  We found another neat spot to eat called Four Reasons.  So cute and delicious.  The rain let up so we stopped at the next attraction area on our way back to Logan. 
It was some pretty intense hiking despite this serene looking photo so afterwards, I was ready to do a bit of shopping and relaxing. 

Too bad these awesome-sauce boots were $130.
Friday night we ate at a Mexican restaurant near our hotel and it was delicious.  Afterwards, I wanted to die.  I ate way too much and am definitely going to have some make-up work to do for the damage I did this weekend.  Was it worth it?  Depends on whether or not I can lose this FIVE extra pounds or not… oh and by the way, the hot tub still wasn’t working.  WASTE!
Saturday we got up and headed to the heart of Hocking Hills. I have to admit that up to this point in our trip, I was feeling pretty disappointed overall.  Glad that we were able to get away but pretty bummed about the gloomy weather and the town we stayed in.  (P.S. As we checked out, we noticed that the jets in the hot tub were indeed working again. WTH).  So we found Old Man’s Cave which has several fantastic other spots to see, all within a 6 mile hike.  We did the entire thing and absolutely fell in love with the area.  It was gorgeous.  It seemed that there was a surprise around every corner.  The hike Saturday made the entire trip for me.  The ziplining was a fun adventure, but THIS was Hocking Hills. This is what we went there to see.  I again did not want to carry my camera, not knowing if it would rain, if I’d fall in the creek, or if I’d drop it in the mud so I went with only my cell.  If you have time or ever consider a day trip to the area though, please look up photos online.  Pictures can’t come close to standing there in the magical natural wonder of Hocking Hills.  Swear.

It was truly magnificent.  My opinion of our trip went from hum-drum/so-so to over-the-top-wonderful in the 3+ hrs we spent hiking there.  I would have done more if I thought my legs would hold out!  It was pretty rugged (and dangerous even) in spots with lots of climbing.  I’m sore today but it was so worth it.  
Can’t wait to take the boys when they get a little older. I thought of them so many times and how much they would love exploring the beauty of this place. We got home Saturday evening and picked up the boys first thing Sunday morning.  Oh, did it feel good to get them in my arms again!  What a fantastic break from work and reality for just a few short days.  So, was it anything like Hawaii?  Not a chance, and I’m okay with that.  
Having fun at Nana and Pop Pop’s.
xo,
A lady who’s been married for over 10 years