pour your heart out

what Mommy in the Midwest is thankful for (2012)

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I just read my post from this time last year about what I’m thankful for. Currently, I’m sick with a cold.  Ryan was sick this time last year.  I wrote last year that Theo had been coughing for three weeks.  Theo just stopped coughing (after about four weeks).  Allergies maybe?  Why is this a sick time of year for us??

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about what I’m thankful for over the past couple of weeks.  I’m thankful for everything wonderful in my life.  I’m thankful for the things I have because I’m lucky and I’m thankful for the things I have because I’m determined to make my own good luck.  I’m thankful for all the changes in my life this year.

And it’s been a crazy year.  When I wrote this post 12 months ago, I didn’t know what all my family and my relationship would endure this year.  My grandfather died.  My sister got pregnant after trying for over a year and is due with a baby girl in a few weeks. I got a new job that I love.  In the midst of all that, Ryan and I argued more this summer and fall than we ever have because of all the stress we were dealing with over this house.  This home of ours.  The six months since Dexter’s 1st birthday in May have been a blur.  Shortly after his birthday, we moved out of our house and in with Ryan’s parents.  We certainly didn’t plan on living there for five months, but that’s what happened.

We kept searching for a home and when we found the one we ended up buying, we weren’t happy.  We felt like we got suckered.  A total fixer upper.  So we’ve spent countless hours over the past months working on the house and sacrificing time with our family.  Now we have been in our house (that is far from done) for about a month.  Was it a big transition?  Not at all.  Seamless.  Ryan and I went back to the couple that loves spending time together.  We went back to being the parents that feed their kids dinner and put them to bed every night.  We went back to plain old boring us.  Which is all I ever wanted.

After all of this, I’m thankful for our house.  One day it will be everything we want it to be.  We will have provided our kids with room to grow and play and enough space to have their friends sleep over.  We want to be the parents that have the house where the boys hang out with their friends.  Open door policy.  I’m thankful that we were able to purchase a home.

I’m eternally thankful to my in-laws.  My in-laws who let us live with them for 5 months.  My mother-in-law who watched the boys night after night, weekend after weekend, while we worked on the house.  My mother-in-law, who cooked us dinner and cleaned up after us, and gave the boys hugs and kisses while we were gone.  My father-in-law, who has spent more of his own time and energy on our house than we have.  My father-in-law, who could build a house by himself, and has spent countless days working by himself on our house while we were at work.  My father-in-law, who always has an idea of how to fix something. How to fit something. How to make things work.  My father-in-law, who is teaching my husband everything he knows about being handy so that one day, Ryan can teach Theo and Dexter.

I literally don’t know where we’d be without them.  Maybe we wouldn’t have had the nerve to buy this crazy house if it weren’t for them.  Maybe we’d live in an apartment for a year while we were fixing it up.  I. Don’t. Know.  But what I do know is that they’re there for us, through thick and thin, and we could never repay them.  They’re my second set of parents.  I’m thankful to have amazing in-laws and a wonderful relationship with them.

xo,
~C~

1 political post

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

And it’s not really even political. It’s just me blabbing and getting things off my chest for a minute.  I have restrained myself during this entire political season, aside from “liking” things that I ….well… like… on Facebook.  I lean to the left.  I’m a liberal when it comes to many issues.  I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of my political views but I don’t post on Facebook about how I think I support the superior party and everyone who doesn’t is an idiot.  I don’t believe that. I have a lot of intelligent friends whom I respect that are conservative.  I don’t think they are idiots when it’s not election time so I try to be open minded and remember that just because we don’t have the same political priorities, this is still a person that I respect and find interesting.

My Facebook feed has been absolutely littered with hate.  Hate for Obama, hate for anyone who has ever received public assistance, and hate for people who voted for Obama, hate-hate-hate.  It’s disturbing.  It has nothing to do with the issues but everything to do with attitudes. There’s a huge difference between supporting a candidate or party and spreading hate towards the other.  I read a lot more anti-Democrat and anti-Obama posts than anything from my conservative friends.  I could probably count on one hand the number of pro-Romney posts I read.  I read lots of pro-Obama posts from my liberal pals.  What I’ve gathered from this simple observation is that Democrats love Obama and Republicans love to hate him.  I’ve been trying to figure out the point of posting something every.single.day to remind everyone that they still hate the thing/person/party that they hated yesterday?

Are these posts meant to change my mind?  Not mine personally, but people who think like me?
Are they meant to try to prove something or one-up someone? To make them feel better about themselves and their position in life?
Are they meant to form a camaraderie with other like-minded people?  By spewing hate and criticism instead of support?
Or are they meant to offend me?  Because when people call me (as part of the general population) an idiot for holding the beliefs I hold, I’m a little offended.  I’m an intelligent college graduate and I think like one, thankyouverymuch, and just because I’m a liberal it doesn’t mean that I think the government should support me.

No one, regardless of how many angry, spiteful or well-written posts they share, is going to change my mind and my convictions.  I don’t feel the need to try to change anyone else’s mind or convince them to see things the way I see them.  That’s not my burden.  I certainly don’t want my friends to feel that I think they’re stupid because we don’t see eye to eye on gay marriage or public assistance or war or healthcare or whatever-the-case-may-be.  Them thinking I’m dumb doesn’t change my mind. It just makes me question my “friend”ship with them if they can’t respect me.

The division I’ve seen over the past weeks saddens me.  Only during election season do these claws come out.  I try not to take it personally, really.  And nothing has ever been directed at me personally. But I kind of do and it kind of has because my beliefs have been indirectly attacked.  They are part of who I am.  They make me compassionate.  They make me work hard.  They make me want to raise my boys to be compassionate and hard working.  Take me or leave me – I’m not changing.

And I just had to get that off my chest.
xo,
~C~

sometimes i want more. less.

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

Can I pour my heart out for a minute? 

Becoming a mother, without a doubt, was the greatest gift of my life.  The most monumental honor, privilege, and responsbility that has ever been given to me.  I dreamed having a child since I was a child myself.  Envisioned myself with a pregnant belly, breathing “hee hee hoo” through labor, and kissing that precious, pink, screaming baby when the doctor laid him on my chest.  Minus the “hee hee hoo,” all of that pretty much happened like it was supposed to. 

It’s amazing.  Phenomenal.  Words can’t really even describe the love and emotions I have felt since becoming a mother.  It’s the most beautiful, heart-wrenching experience.  Each day I look at my kids and I’m proud of them.  Literally – my pride and joy. I have real conversations with Theo that make me laugh and beam.  

But other times, I think about how much my life has changed.  For the better? Without a doubt.  For the worse? Yeah, that too.  Yep, I said it.

When I am not at work, I give my family 110% of myself.  It might be too much.  I don’t have anything left to give to anyone else, including myself.  99% of the time, I don’t even answer the phone if I am with my family.  Granted, part of that is out of respect for the person calling me because there’s a good chance my kids will be yelling in the background anyway.  Lately I just don’t have that much quality time to spend with my kids and husband, so when I’m with them, I’m with them.  Make sense?

I have friends that I used to talk to on the phone every.single.day.  For like…an hour.  I used to spend time with my friends.  I used to drive long distances to see friends. I would sing loud in the car to music I liked. I used to go to concerts and bookstores and coffee shops and just hang out.  I don’t need a break from my kids – I just need time for friends.  Time for myself.

When I had kids, everything changed.  For the most part, my bond with kidless friends faded and bonds with other people that have kids have grown.   Because of a couple reasons, I guess.  1. Because the kidless friends don’t always understand that 8pm dinner doesn’t cut it anymore.  I have to be home by 8 so the kids can be in bed by 8:30pm. And yeah … I wanna be there to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.  No, I can’t just up and leave to meet you at Barnes&Noble at 2:30 in the afternoon. Kids are napping.  Naps are sacred.  SACRED.  2.  Because friends with kids help me cope with the craziness.  Strength in numbers.  Getting together is fun because guess what?  Their house is kid-proof and I don’t have to worry as much about what my toddlers can destroy. Also? It’s cute to see the kids developing their own friendships.

The thing about kids with friends though…there are always kids.  I love the kids.  Theirs. Mine.  Theirs and mine together.  But there’s never an opportunity for adult female friends to just hang out as adult female friends and not as moms, whose conversations are always interrupted by diapers, tantrums, spilled plates, and the like.

I miss having friends.  Time with friends.  Having a family and being a mom is how I identify myself 100% of the time.  99% of the time, I’m fine with that.  I don’t ever want to give that up.  I just want to find that other person who still lives inside of me.  Her name is Candice.  The friend.  The wife.  The music lover, movie goer, book reader, gym visitor, phone answerer, blogger, Candice. 

Do you ever feel this way?  Please tell me I’m not alone.  (Because that would probably mean I’m just a selfish person and terrible mom in general).

xo,
~C~