Last week was a slow bloggity blog week, I know.  I am not making grand promises about my blog this week.  I’m whiny and tired and I feel like no one wants to hear/see/read that.

I’m getting excited.  I’m getting scared.  I’ve been having weird pains.  I’m feeling bittersweet about this whole pregnancy thing.  I know it’s going to be ending very soon, which will open up my world in a whole new way.  A raw, sleep-deprived (more than now? really?) way.  I remember right after I had Theo thinking that it wasn’t so bad (at times) because I was SO exhausted that I could fall asleep instantly.  And I slept like a rock until he woke me up to eat again.  Granted, that might have only been for 90 minutes at a time, but there were some perks.  For example, I could sleep on my stomach again.  Heartburn didn’t keep me awake. 

I will go from one baby to two.  The beauty of one baby is that when he sleeps, the mama can sleep (in theory).  Since Theo gets up around 7, I’m not sure how that’s going to work out.  I originally intended to keep him home with me every day while I was on maternity leave.  I remember being really sad going back to work after he was born because I realized that I would never get the chance to spend that much time with him again, barring a horrible illness or some other reason I would have 12 weeks off work while he was a child.  Obviously I realized that any subsequent maternity leave would be a chance to spend 12 more weeks with him…but then there’s that pesky sleep thing.  So I have agreed, at my husband’s constant and persistent urging, to allow him to continue going to the babysitter 3 days a week.  To maintain his routine…to allow me to bond with the baby…to allow me to sleep when the baby sleeps…etc, etc, etc. 

I have mixed feelings about it.  He says I’m just trying to be supermom.  I’m not.  If I was a stay-at-home mom, I wouldn’t have a choice.  I wouldn’t be sending one baby away so I only had to deal with one at a time.  I feel guilty.  I feel like if I am home, my kids should be at home with me.  All of them.  Not at a paid babysitter.  Then my hubs reminds me that Theo LOVES his babysitter.  And he loves his baby BFF at the babysitter, G, who is 3 weeks younger than him.  He reminds me that the babysitter does activities and takes them outside and gets a good night’s rest and has lots of energy every day.  Oh.  Yeah.  That is true. 

But for whatever reason, I still feel like it’s a copout and I should be able to manage my two babies.  The babysitter is going to be managing 2 toddlers and 2 infants all by herself this fall.  That’s kinda insane!  Again, she gets a good night’s sleep, but still…I wouldn’t be able to/couldn’t do that. 

I am in a constant cycle of justifying keeping Theo home versus sending him to the babysitter.  I think the solution is that we will continue to pay the babysitter the same amount and if I want to send him, I’ll send him.  If I want him home, I’ll keep him home.  If I want to go pick him up early, I can do that too.  She’s super flexible, thank goodness, so hopefully we’ll just be able to play it by ear. 

Another thing about feeling torn over the whole pregnancy-ending-soon thing is that it’s kind of sad, having my babies so close together.  I don’t feel like I got to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I might have if they had been spaced out a little more.  What if we don’t have another baby and this is the last time I’m pregnant?  I’ll never feel those baby kicks and see my big baby belly again.  That’s kind of sad, once it’s over.  With that being said, I can totally understand why they (doctors?) don’t want you making any final decisions about tubal ligation while you’re in the middle of a pregnancy.  Right now, my answer would be “no way in hell.” 

I remember when Theo was about 2 months old thinking I could do it all over again.

be careful what you wish for,
~C~

One week ago, we were still counting Theo’s baby steps.  Last night we went to Borders and I followed him practically from one side of the store to the other – on foot!  I can’t believe how much difference a week makes.  My baby is walking.  Really walking!  His confidence got the best of him in that wide open space a few times and he thought about running.  He hasn’t quite perfected that yet, but I betcha it won’t be long.  Being a parent is the craziest thing – you just never realize how big the little things really are until you are living them with your own child.  (good or bad…ahem, see my post from yesterday if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

It never fails to amaze me how my heart can just about burst at the seams with love and pride when my kid masters something that the rest of us take for granted.  Did I mention he’s walking!?  It just doesn’t feel right to say that already.  Every day he’s getting smarter and making connections.  He has a pillow pet that he got for Christmas.  The other day when I said “where’s your pillow pet?” he got up and abandoned the toy he was playing with and started looking around for it, saying to himself  “pet pet.”  It was just about the cutest thing ever.  (And he found his pillow pet, which is about as big as he is, and then he dragged it all over the place until he moved on to the next toy).  I about died. 

Speaking of making progress, last Sunday we bought the mystery baby a crib and dresser.  And two sets of brand new, itty bitty, so cute and precious little newborn clothes.  More girl stuff than boy obviously, but I did buy some boy stuff.  What if I had just used all Theo’s old stuff and they looked just alike?  I wouldn’t even be able to tell them apart in pictures from the hospital.  Sidenote- I was looking through my clothes and got all excited to see my maternity/nursing nightgown in the dresser.  Well I can’t hardly wear that at the hospital either – all the pictures will look the same once again.  Or maybe that’s just an excuse to treat myself to some cute new things.  Lord knows you need all the help you can get to feel pretty in the hours and days after giving birth! 

I bought a convertible car seat for Theo to free up the infant seat for the new baby.  It’s the Graco My Ride 65.  It got great reviews and I loved the look of it, but I’m not sold on it just yet.  It was a great value, and maybe some of that is where I’m noticing the difference.  We basically had the top of the line in infant seats and everything seems so much smoother and more deluxe in retrospect, now that we are trying out the Graco seat.  Jury’s still out on whether we’ll keep it.  For our other vehicle, we are getting the Safety 1st Air Protect, which also got great reviews.  We shall see…

Anyway, we’re making progress in all sorts of ways at our house.  Babies are growing and change is coming.  One thing’s for sure – time won’t stand still whether you want it to or not.

~C~