We visited friends that live a couple of hours away over the weekend and last week my friend texted me asking if I would be okay with a babysitter watching all four of our kids so us grownups could go out for dinner and drinks. 

Nope. No thanks.  Not comfortable with that.  Not at all. 

That was my initial gut reaction and response to her.

The next day, I thought about how hard these last two weeks have been with the sick babies.  I thought about the (short) conversations I’ve shared with my husband about how neither of us are satisfied with the state of our relationship right now.  I thought about how nice it would be to eat a hot dinner without the stress of getting done before Theo starts throwing food or Dexter melts down.  I thought about how fabulous it would feel to be able to focus on the menu selections as opposed to just trying to pick something as fast as I can so I’m available to catch the flying crayons and kids menus when they sail to the neighboring table. 

The next day, I texted my friend and said “I’ve been thinking about it…I’m listening.”  She explained that the babysitter they use is their favorite teacher at their little girl’s daycare.  She didn’t hesitate when my friend asked her if she was interested in watching a 4 month old, a one year old, a two year old, and five year old. 

So I agreed to it.  I let a complete stranger (to me) watch my babies for almost 3 hours, can you believe it?  They were alive and well and happy when we got back and we enjoyed a much deserved night out with our wonderful friends.  Baby free.  That’s not to say I wasn’t thinking about them every second and itching to get back and hug their little bodies, but I did it.  It was muy fabuloso.  More about our weekend later.

~C~

145 posts later, I guess you could say I’ve been able to keep up.  I’m averaging a blog every 2.5 days.  I started my blog a year ago today and I didn’t know how well I would be able to manage it, my full time job, my full time house, full time husband and full time, er mandatory overtime, 5 month old baby. 

I became interested in blogs as a reader when I was about 6 months pregnant with Theo.  I started reading and following a few blogs here and there.  Once I came back to work after maternity leave, I realized why there are so many mommy blogs out there.  Okay, so I guess there are some blogs that provide enough of an income that the mama-author can stay home with their kids (mine is certainly not that and will never be).  But mainly, it’s a fun way to make friends and get feedback about what’s going with your own kids, whether something hilarious or scary is happening.  It’s a great way to document the day to day stuff that I know I’d otherwise forget as time is flying by. 

Since I started my blog, so much has changed.  I wasn’t even pregnant with Dexter yet and here we are, 12 months later, and I’ve got a 17 month old and a 3 month old.  I’m glad I had my blog to document my emotional and physical journey through the pregnancy and beyond. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself why I blog.  It’s for me.  It’s an outlet, a way to express myself.  A place to jot down memories that I don’t want to forget.  It’s for my kids to read one day.  But at times, I lose sight of that.  I will write what I think is a good post and get no comments.  I will visit other blogs that I love and see how many readers they have.  Then I get down on myself, wondering how to reach more readers, how to become a bigger part of the blogging mommy community.  There’s so much support and understanding out there and sometimes I want a piece of that pie.  I want to be funny and smart and well-written, but sometimes none of those things happen.  Especially when I blog just because I haven’t blogged in awhile, and not because I have something to say. 

Ultimately, whether I continue with 30 readers or end up with 100 or 1,000 one day, the blog is for me.  It’s for my family.  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if I’m funny or smart or well-written because I’m genuine and I’m me.  Ultimately, my blog is me.  Maybe it’s too personal sometimes, or maybe it’s not personal enough.  Much like my true personality.  If it gets rejected in some way, that’s fine.  I was never the popular girl in high school and that turned out alright, so I can handle rejection.  It’s a virtual diary and scrapbook, all in one and I’m generally happy about the shape it’s taken.

Finally.

If you’re still reading this long, drawn-out entry, thank you.  If you’ve been reading this blog for the last year, or just the last 10 minutes, thank you.  I submitted my blog to Top Mommy Blogs a couple of weeks ago, hoping to find new friends that share a love of blogging.  My blog is still under review but if and when it is accepted, you can vote once per day.  I’d love it if you’d just vote once each time you read my blog (if you still like it, that is!) 

And comments or no comments, I am going to keep blogging.  But I sure enjoy the feedback and so many of your comments have truly been helpful.  More people comment on facebook where I post the link than on here, and that is fine.  I love all the comments just the same.  But I will be able to save the comments on the blog forever, so I’d love the comments EVEN more if they were on here.

I love you, readers.  All 6 of you.  🙂

still bloggin,
~C~

At my 6 week checkup last month, I talked to my OB/GYN about birth control options.  After discussing all the possibilities, I left with a pamphlet about Implanon and made an appointment to get the implant a week later.  After doing a little research online, I decided that this was the best option for me.  I am horrible at remembering to take pills daily – especially the kind that you have to take at the exact same time every day (like the Mini-Pill, which is the only pill recommended for nursing mothers).

Implanon slowly releases hormones that prevent ovulation over the course of three years.  The implant is a small plastic rod inserted inside the upper arm.  I was given a shot to numb the area and then the rod was placed in my left arm through a needle, in which it was pre-inserted.  Did it hurt?  Yes.  Insertion hurt and it was pretty tender for about a week.  But so far, it’s worth it because I don’t have to worry about any more surprises for three whole years.  The biggest side effect that women complain about is irregular bleeding.  The doctor stated that very few women get it removed as a result.  

Ask me now if I want to have more kids and I will cut you off before you finish the question with a resounding “NO.”  Some days I am drowning in self-doubt and there are many days when I wonder if I can give these boys the best life with them being so close together.  I feel guilty because Theo didn’t get to be the baby for very long.  I feel guilty because Theo is still a baby, therefore Dexter might not get as much attention as he needs or deserves.   

But.

In 3 years, I’ll be 34.  In 3 years, I will have a three year old and a four year old.  In 3 years, I’ll know for sure if I want to have more kids.  I can’t imagine myself having kids after the age of 35 for a couple of reasons.  I want my kids to be close in age and I wonder if I would have the energy to be raising teenagers into my fifties.  In 3 years, we will have made the decision of whether we want to have three kids.  We will not “try” for a girl.  If we have another child in 3 or 4 years, we will have an expectation, acceptance, and desire to have three boys.  If we ended up with a girl, it would simply be a sweet surprise.

In 3 years we will be out of diapers (hopefully) and our boys won’t rely on us as heavily as they do now.  In 3 years, I imagine that I will yearn to feel the sweet weight of an infant on my chest.  In 3 years, 2am feedings will be a distant memory.  In 3 years, I think we’ll know for sure.  Until then, I’ll pretend that my child-bearing days are not behind me.  Until then, I’ll pretend that I might see myself with a baby belly again.  Until then, I’ll live in the moment and make the most of the days and hours I have with these babies that are here right now.  Right now, I will make the most of the good times and the hard times.  Because in 3 years, I think we will decide that 2 babies are enough.

Time will tell.

~C~