working mom woes

blue in the face

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

That’s how much we’ve talked about this daycare situation.  Til we’re blue in the face.

Pretty shortly after our babysitter told us she’s closing, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to go the home babysitter route going forward.  Nothing against her or the experience we’ve had there.  To the contrary, actually.  For one, she has been unbelievably reliable and has exceeded all of our expectations.  She doesn’t turn the t.v. on and sit them in front of it. EVER. She has had a schedule/routine and planned-out days since the boys were both infants and has tailored learning activities to their level ever since. I don’t expect to find any of that with another home babysitter.  And there’s the obvious possibility of another babysitter deciding that this is something she no longer wants to do. I don’t want to risk putting ourselves in this situation again.  We accepted that we were vulnerable to that possibility when we chose a home babysitter, but I think that it had worked out so well up to this point that we never considered her closing a potential problem.

But.  She is doing what she has to do for her family as they move forward to the next stage of life.  So, since the decision has been made for us, it seems like the appropriate time to make the transition to a daycare/pre-school center.  We visited and toured 5 centers on Tuesday.  Two had waiting lists.  One of those two was immediately off the list because… well, it was disgusting.  I don’t know how or why any parent would feel good about dropping their child off there.  It was fine from the outside. Nice-looking brick building and playground in a fenced in area behind the building. The inside was gross, the staff seemed did not seem friendly, professional, or knowledgeable. The director’s office was repulsive.  I wanted to leave as soon as we walked through the front door.  So that was an easy cut.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the one that was probably our first choice was obviously the most expensive.  I don’t want to sound like a big cheap-o because OF COURSE their care, education, safety, and happiness is paramount and worth all the money in the world.  However, we do not possess all the money in the world and if we did, I sure as hell would not be working just to pay for their damn daycare.  Okay, got that out of my system.  So, that place is pretty much off the list.

Down to three.

One is an “educational center.”  It has an official pre-school program, before and after school care, and summer care for children up to age 12.  The kind of place where there is a sense of peace of mind just because it’s regarded in the community as a quality facility. We were not overwhelmed with warm fuzzies for the building or the director.  Upon further consideration, I think we decided the building was fine. The hang-up we had was that the 3yr olds and up basically shared one large open space that was more or less divided by coat racks and bookshelves.  Doesn’t seem like the most conducive environment for 3 year olds.  Aside from that, they have a waiting list.  The problem with the waiting list is that they can’t seem to be able to tell us how long the waiting list IS.  Are we talking weeks, months, or years? That’s all I want to know, so we can decide if this is even a real possibility. We don’t have 6 months to decide.  Obviously if we decide to go there, we will be on a waiting list so we need to figure out care in the interim.

The next viable option is an older facility that I have gotten a few mixed reviews on. A couple of people’s primary concern was that the building is not secure.  In other words, it was the only one out of five daycares that you can just walk right into and stroll through the building. Of course, they ask that you sign in when you get there but I had a friend who went there once and waited. And waited. Then wandered around the building looking for someone.  I’m just kind of picturing this place being ran by hippies. There’s a very different approach here.  It’s on 10+ acres, in the woods, and I think that makes it unique and special on it’s own. They do take some really neat field trips. They have a pool and in the summer, the kids get to swim 40 minutes a day. They do have an official pre-school program during the school year.  But the building.  I don’t know how else to describe it but dilapidated.  I imagine that the place needs some serious repairs.  Another parent took her child there 20 years ago and was not satisfied at all.  Valuable information since the place is family owned and operated and has been this entire time, but a lot can change in 20 years.  I wasn’t super duper encouraged by my limited interactions with the staff/teachers. They have programs for kids up to age 12, so summer care would not be a problem there even after they went to elementary school.

And finally, the third place was kind of a spur of the moment thing that I remembered as we were heading back home after seeing the other four places.  We were warmly greeted as soon as we walked in the door by the assistant director and she happily gave us a tour, was very knowledgeable, and spent a lot of time with us, explaining things and allowing us to observe the classes.  The kids were eating lunch and transitioning to naptime while we were there so we didn’t really observe any “teaching” but the staff were friendly and I liked the assistant director a lot.  Every place we went, I asked “will the boys ever see each other?” Most commonly, the answer was “in passing” or “not really.”  Um? These kids have been attached at the hip since the day Dexter was born. I’m having a hard time with this. I know it’s going to happen when Theo goes to Kindergarten but for Pete’s sake, that’s two years away.  At this last center, the assistant director smiled and nodded and said she understood. That if either of them seemed to be having a rough day, they would pull both of them and let them have some “brother time” to just play or be around each other.  Also, they would play together on the playground at the end of the day.  Negatives?  There’s no pre-school.  And there’s no care after Theo goes off to Kindergarten. So after he finished Kindergarten, we’d have to find some other new place to take both of them. I know it’s three years away and things might be different then, but it’s something we think about and consider.  The teachers are not degreed (licensed, I guess but don’t have college degrees).  I’m not saying someone needs to have a college education to be qualified to watch my kids, but this place was a little more expensive than the educational center that was accredited, etc., with degreed and licensed teachers that use specific curriculum in their classrooms.  I liked their outdoor play area better than any of the other centers, aside from the one on the huge wooded lot.  They don’t do any field trips.  I don’t think field trips are super important to me, I guess there are pros and cons to field trips. I kind of get the creeps thinking about anyone but me or someone very close to me driving my kids around and fastening them in carseats, etc.

Anyway — tough choices. I think we just need to go back and observe, interact, and spend some more time before we decide what to do.  How important is the secure entry?  Warm, fuzzy feeling from the staff?  Official pre-school program?  What are the requirements to call yourself a pre-school or can any facility say they have a pre-school? I have no clue.  We’re pretty lost.  We just keep talking and pushing and pulling and trying to figure out which one of our high priorities is our number one priority.

We will have to figure it out, and figure it out soon.  If not for the boys’ safety, educations, and happiness, then for my own sanity.  I didn’t know one lady could analyze, obsess, stress, or worry about something like this so much in one day.  For 5 days in a row. I need a resolution so I can rest a little bit.  This not knowing is going to drive me mad.

xo,
~C~

i didn’t, but then i did + sad news

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I registered for the Race Away from Domestic Violence 5k a few weeks ago, expecting to have finished the Couch to 5k program by now and expecting nice, clear weather on June 1st at 8am.

A few things happened to the contrary. I got sick with strep about 5-6 weeks ago and never fully got back on track with Couch to 5k.  I still gave myself enough time to finish C25k (barely), but then I got a cold about a week and a half ago.  From Week 1, Day 1, I vowed to repeat any failed workout until I succeeded. I never failed a single workout until Week 9 Day 1. P.S. It’s a 9 week program.  So that was last Sunday…I was supposed to run 30 minutes without stopping but I was so congested that I couldn’t breathe.  I only made it 15 minutes.

Tuesday we went to Kings Island. Thursday I went to the Tim McGraw concert after receiving a last minute invitation. Things happened and the week got away from me.  By Friday, I still hadn’t tried again and the weatherman was predicting thunderstorms during the race.  He didn’t lie.  I set the alarm for six a.m. and watched the news for thirty minutes. I didn’t see anything about a cancellation but I just didn’t have the heart or desire to run in the rain. Especially not knowing deep down if I’d be able to finish.  The furthest I’d ran before was 2.4 miles (without stopping) and the longest time being 28 minutes.

The other thing that happened — very unexpectedly, our babysitter told us last night that she is closing her doors. My heart sank and I literally felt like I was going to puke as she was explaining. As soon as I understood what she meant by “closing,” my mind was going a million miles a minute.  She was talking but I was only half-hearing.  The boys were trying to walk out the door and I was trying not to cry. As soon as the door closed behind me, I burst into tears.  Theo told me all the way home that everything was going to be alright, although he had no understanding of what had just happened. A bomb went off in our happy little world.  She gave a million reasons with which I can find no fault.  I know it’s not personal.  But it feels personal.  It feels like a break-up when you’ve done everything you can do to keep someone happy but it’s not enough. It feels like she’s breaking up with our kids. Like they weren’t good enough. Like they did something wrong.  Again, I know it’s not personal.  None of the reasons she gave had anything to do with us, but everything to do with her family and personal life. But from day one, she said that she was committed to seeing our families through to Kindergarten.  We stayed in the same geographical area when we bought our home based largely on that. Knowing all the while, that we were completely vulnerable and that this could happen any day of the week.  Knowing all the while, that priorities change. Life circumstances change.  That promises can be broken and there’s not a thing you can do to change it. She made a big decision to better her family’s life.  I can’t be upset with her, but naturally and selfishly, I’m upset and saddened by the situation that it leaves us in.

So I spent all of Friday night crying and processing. Worrying and wondering.  Fearful of the future. Sick over the uncertainty. Searching online and making a list of people and places to call come Monday morning.  I couldn’t sleep last night and when the alarm went off at 6am this morning, I sure was not in the mindset to toss aside my worries and go run in the rain for the sake of saying I ran a 5k.

She’s giving us 4 weeks to find alternative care.  We’re thankful for that but so much remains unknown for now.  It’s just been a gloomy kind of weekend.

After gorging myself on Mexican food for dinner tonight, I told myself to snap out of it.  I knew I’d eaten way more than My Fitness Pal would appreciate and I needed to do something to make up for it.  At 8pm I decided that even though I didn’t make it to the 5k 12 hours earlier, I had everything I needed to run a 5k right then.  I put on my shoes, grabbed my iPod and I ran.  I ran and ran and ran.  I ran fast then I slowed down.  Waaay down. I sped up and slowed down. Over and over.  I sung. I focused on my breathing. I felt my feet hitting the ground. Ankle, knee, and side pains came and went.  I focused on the sky and the lines on the sidewalk before me.  I ran and ran and ran until I’d gone 3.2 miles.  Just over 5k in just under 40 minutes.  The furthest and longest I’ve ever ran.  It felt good to accomplish it, even if there was no crowd. No tag with a number to pin to my shirt. No official time. No one to high 5 me at the finish line.  I did it for myself. Now I know that I can.

Still sad? Of course.  But life moves on.  We all keep progressing.  Our babysitter told me to focus on the positive.  It will be good for Theo to be around older kids.  I know it will be fine, but it just doesn’t feel that way right now because I just don’t know what to do or where to go.  We have a big search and a big decision ahead of us.  It’s hard and stressful and anxiety-provoking.  It’s time to figure it out, though, so that’s what we will do.

xo,
~C~

in honor of celebrate-your-childcare-provider day

Posted on by mommyinthemidwest

I don’t know if that’s a real thing, but it’s our babysitter’s birthday today, so we’re celebrating her.  I always hesitate to use the word “babysitter,” because she’s so much more than that to us and to the boys.  That word simplifies the extent of the relationship that my family has with hers.

Feb 2013
Dexter is at a stage now where he does not want to leave when I arrive to pick them up.  Sunday, he started saying he wanted to see her, her son, and her husband around 6pm and would.not.let.up.  Theo, when asked who his best friend is, often answers with her name.
We’ve been through a lot together.  She was there for Theo’s first birthday.  And for Dexter’s 14 months later.  She had a challenging pregnancy and worked every day of it.  We celebrated her son’s first birthday earlier this year.  I don’t know how she’s survived in all this boy madness for the last three years, but she does a damn good job of it. 
When we set out to find childcare, we weighed the pros and cons of a home sitter versus a daycare center.  At the time, my work schedule was weird and we liked the idea of having some flexibility with paying for only a certain number of days per week.  We liked the idea of fewer kids.  We liked the idea of someone who would not only teach them things, but nurture them as well.  
We interviewed two other ladies who ran in-home daycares.  Meaning, they were stay at home moms who did nothing but let their toddlers watch t.v. all day and were just looking to make some extra cash.  That was not what we were looking for.  When we interviewed our sitter, she had prepared folders with contracts and examples of schedules depending on the age of the children.  She explained that the children would not watch television and would be involved in scheduled learning activities daily.  We discovered that she had her degree in elementary education and teaching was her passion.  The choice was easy.  
We feared that there would be issues with reliability.  Having only one caregiver meant if she called in sick, so did we.  This lady…can I just tell you?  This lady has never called in sick.  Oh, well…unless you count that time her newborn son was in the hospital for a week.  We gave her a pass on that.  ðŸ™‚
Ryan and I have both switched jobs in the past three years and the kids’ schedule has increased from 3.5 days per week to 5 days per week.  As hard as it was to give up the extra time with them when I switched jobs last August, I know they are in great hands and they are somewhere that they love and want to be.  
She not only teaches them, she loves them.  And we love her and her family.  We found her through Care.com and took a chance.  I’ll never forget the sick feeling I had in my stomach the first time I left Theo there.  I couldn’t shake the thought “but she doesn’t love him.” I didn’t want to leave my tiny baby in the care of someone who was practically a stranger. Someone who didn’t love him.  Someone who didn’t know exactly how he liked to be bounced when he was grumpy.  It didn’t take long before I had total trust in this amazing woman and it became clear that she grew to love him very quickly.  The day I left Dexter was sad too, but only because I knew I would miss him.  She loved him before I ever dropped him off.
We’ve taken for granted the peace of mind we have with where are kids are, day in and day out.  She certainly spends more waking hours with them during the week than we do.  It would be ridiculous to say that she isn’t shaping them into the little people they are becoming.  We couldn’t have chosen anyone better to help us do just that.  
I tell her from time to time that while some people may think that she doesn’t have an “important” job, to me she has the absolute MOST important job in the world.  Keeping my kids safe and happy when I can’t.  There is no way to put into words what a huge responsibility we have placed on her or the gratitude we feel for her.  We expect a lot from her.  She delivers.  
I’m not a person who goes around using the term ‘blessed’ very often.  But when I think of how this relationship has turned out, that’s how I feel.  
So thank you, to our babysitter extraordinaire/teacher/nurturer/potty trainer/food fixer/cheerleader/toy finder/craft coordinator/endlessly energized and all around amazing lady.  And happy birthday.  
xo,
~C~